I've been having this feeling lately that everything is going to slip away. I don't know how or why, but I feel like my good luck streak was nothing more than that, a streak, meant to come to an end sooner or later. I was hoping for later, or maybe never, but I just don't feel like that's going to happen.
I had a dream. Yes, my strange moods and such usually come from these freakish things. So I will restate, yes, it was a dream, but for some reason dreams that I have usually have some significance when it comes to my life. In this dream, the girl "of my dreams" (I'm oh so clever) is sitting in her car, and I walk outside and see her car from a distance. I figure she is there for me. I go up to her car, open the door, climb inside, and say "Hey! Do you want to hang out?" I receive the immediate response that she is there to see somebody else, and that she doesn't have the time to hang out with me at the moment.
From there, she proceeds into some guys apartment (I don't remember every little detail enough to write it, but I know how it felt). After that, somehow I end up back at her place, with the ex-boyfriend(?) sitting on the couch. At that point I come to realize that he may not be the ex-boyfriend, but that I am perhaps creating this whole relationship in my head. It's quite an uncomfortable feeling, to think that she's been with him the entire time. However, this also plays into the real-life happenings currently. I don't know if I feel like going into that, however. It makes me feel so foolish to think about that. But I love her, so what else am I going to do.
Okay, that probably only made sense to me. But whatever, I don't want to put all of my business on here.
So, I feel like I'm losing the one good thing that has happened to me in a very long time. I've never felt so alive, so comfortable with the world, as when I'm with her. And even just knowing that I have her, it's a great comfort. But the situation is a bit complex, and I spend most of my time trying to ignore the parts that trouble me. But there are things that trouble me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to be left behind, as that seems to have happened with the majority of people I've spent my life with over the past five years.
So, as I'm exhausted from not sleeping last night, I am too bothered to go to sleep yet. This is the only outlet I have. I just can't keep it in. I know this won't ever be read by anybody, but it just feels nice to get it out. I love her more than anything this world has to offer me. I just hope I'm not being foolish. And if I am... I don't know how I'm going to recover from this extreme of foolishness.
I've just never had a girlfriend that I see so infrequently. Her whole life happens without me, for the most part. I could be less than a fraction of her life. When I'm with her, it doesn't feel that way. But when I'm not with her, her life is taking place, as I am extremely lucky to see her for an hour any given day. Meanwhile, I guess I could say the same for myself, that my life happens without her as well. But that would be completely false. She never leaves my mind. Any second of any day, she's on my mind. She's all I think about. If I had the choice, I'd be with her all of the time. And I'd like to make some adjustments to see her more, but it's not really up to me.
I know she's busy, I just hope it's really to the point where she just can't find the time to see me, and not that there's just something better to do with the time. There's nothing I would pick over seeing her. And I know there are things that have to be done, but even so.
I'm just feeling alone at the moment. I don't like it. I just want to be loved.
I'm so lame.
Goodnight, internet.
