I started writing a bit for my hopeful book tonight. Not that it will ever see publishing, but I'd like to believe that it will be something quite interesting to look back on, so I'm doing it for me. And it will also be nice to out my side of all of the events of my life. I'm really fond of doing so, and I hope it turns out even fractionally as potent as I strive for it to be.
Today wasn't all that bad of a day. I walked, worked, and then to stray from the norm, I actually sat down and watched a movie with my dear grandmother. That movie was "The Ultimate Gift". It was quite a nice film. The young girl was a bit of an over-actor, but the rest of it was quite nice. I couldn't help but notice the bit of similarity in the first bit of the movie to my life. This "city boy" who seems to not give much of a shit about anything, living for himself, is compelled to change his life for the better.
Besides that, I finished Mr. Brand's book. It was certainly the best things I've ever read. I especially liked the last bit. I'll leave it at the end for all to read, regardless of any law forbidding me to do so. I think I was upset at the end not just because of the ending, but because it was the end of me peering into the life of somebody who's been troubled with some of the same things as I. He made note that he always felt a bit of an outsider. I can certainly relate to this. I was quite shy in my earlier years. However, I'm quite the Darwinian prodigal son, and have adapted into much more of a social creature in the more recent years of my existence.
I secured an interview with Whole Foods earlier this afternoon. I am to come in at 10:30 AM on Saturday. This means that I will most likely be making my own way home tomorrow afternoon. I was quite ticked at the idea that I would spend nearly three hours on a bus from here to New York City, considering it doesn't even take that long for me to get to Philadelphia using a proper mode of transportation... an automobile. But, as I have no access to such luxury, I have instead opted to research the possibility of a train ride from this area to the greatest city in the world, which I believe will take less than two hours. From there, another two hour or so journey to Philadelphia will for the most part complete my trip. I will bring my laptop, so I can put some thoughts into words, and hopefully that will make the whole experience a bit more tolerable. I'm quite excited to at least be in the city for any short period of time. That beautiful urban jungle makes me feel alive in the greatest sense of the world. With all of that going on, every day, how can you not feel like anything is possible? Look at this wondrous world we live in. I wish I could feel that way every day, and hopefully with time and patience, some day I will.
Well, I may be up for a bit more of an update a bit later. However, I really am quite into my other newly found writing adventure, but I refuse to neglect the wonderment of this instrument as a means of expression. I love both, and am glad to have an outlet. Things aren't so bad right now. Perhaps that's just because I know I will be in a more familiar place tomorrow... but perhaps it's something a bit grander. Maybe it's just that I'm coming to terms a bit more. I would like to believe it's the latter, but I know I'm a bit of a prick still, so it might be a more selfish reason as to my more enlightened state.
Love each other, everybody, won't you?
Oh yes, almost eschewed quite a decent opportunity to show off the last bit of this amazing book. Here goes:
"The most insightful thing I ever heard, was overheard. I was waiting for a rail replacement bus service in Hackney Wick. These two old women weren't even talking to me - not because I'd offended them, I hadn't, I'd been angelic at that bus stop, except for the eavesdropping. Rail replacement buses take an eternity, because they think they're doing you a favor by covering for the absent train, you've no recourse. Eventually, the bus appeared on the distant horizon, and one of the women, with the relief and disbelief that often accompanies the arrival of public transport said, "Oh look, the bus is coming." The other woman - a wise woman, seemingly aware that her words and attitude were potent and poetic enough to form the final sentence in a stranger's book - paused, then said, "The bus was always coming."
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
It's just one of those nights...
Well, I just took a handful of Tylenol PM, so hopefully that will do something for me tonight. I've been going a little crazy, if none of the previous posts have alerted you to that obvious realization. It's really quite something when you have so much to say, yet either don't know how to put thoughts to words, or more bizarrely worry about what you say. I would really like for this to be as open as possible, but there's still things that I don't even like to think about myself. It's just a bit of an inconvenience to have to hold on to those thoughts, swallow them, and let them rot in your stomach. Maybe that's why my stomach is turning?
I just realized while sitting outside and feeling the imminent end of the world, that I would be very comforted by any illicit substance. However, I decided to out my thoughts on here as a "you better fucking not", given that these fucking pesky little voices in my head have certainly led me there before, and we see how that worked out. An absolute and complete riches to rags story. I really did have it all at one point, I really truly believe that. I was pretty fucking set. Now... well you all know where I'm at now. It's certainly terrible.
It's not only my emotional situation that's wearing on me, but everything else that comes with it. I am certainly not eating like I should be, I'm not sleeping well at all, I shouldn't be crying on a nightly basis. All of this leads me to believe that what I'm doing may not exactly be the proper course of action. I would much rather just dive right back in, get a job, and just go back on the grind. When you do that, you don't have time to worry about things. That's the gift of life! You stay busy, and you don't have to bother yourself with these episodes.
But, I really don't believe that either. I was also reading today (though I'm not going to find the exact quote, I don't even have the ambition to eat) and I've come to really respect the thought of life as finite. I always loved the notion that "my only comfort in life is assured death", but I don't mean to worry anybody with a sense that I'm undeniably morbid. Rather, I feel that when the end does come, it will be a relief. Which brings me to my next passage, which I actually marked the page of, for ease of recounting. Russel Brand remarks, quite wonderfully:
"I've got this sense in me sometimes that perhaps death will simply be blissful - an endless expanse of nothingness, which might be a great relief from the tyranny of life's minutiae."
My biggest dilemma with getting "back on track" is the unrelenting feeling that I can never get back to where I was. I begin to think of all the troubles and obstacles that are stacked in front of me, and can't even fathom what I would have to do in order to get over them.
For this next chapter, I just want to create as many diversions for myself as I can. That will be my ticket. I'll just keep myself completely distracted, and then maybe one day I'll wake up and realize, "Hey, I've made it". This theory is flawed, but I have to grasp on to any hope I can, be it fantasy or not.
Another part of the book that I enjoyed:
"Ever since the first couple of times I'd taken it, in my early twenties, I'd always maintained a great interest in heroin. I'd sort of fallen in love with the warmth of it - the way it felt like crawling back into the womb. I always knew it'd be the one, because it was the only drug that did what was promised... What it mainly does is take you right out of reality, and plant you somewhere more manageable. In short, it contextualizes everything else as meaningless."
"It makes you feel lovely and warm and cozy. It gives you a great, big, smacky cuddle, and from then on the idea of need is no longer an abstract thing, but a longing in your belly and a kicking in your legs and a shivering in your arms and sweat on your forehead and a dull pallor on your face."
Well, that cozy feeling would certainly benefit me, and I wouldn't feel like jumping off the nearest bridge (don't worry, I won't), but in the end, it's a completely terrible way to deal with things. I mean, it's certainly the best way, but the consequences make it into the worst.
I'm glad I got that off my chest. I don't think I have ever really gotten into drugs on here. I hope nobody is offended. If you are, feel free to discontinue your readings.
Goodnight all.
I just realized while sitting outside and feeling the imminent end of the world, that I would be very comforted by any illicit substance. However, I decided to out my thoughts on here as a "you better fucking not", given that these fucking pesky little voices in my head have certainly led me there before, and we see how that worked out. An absolute and complete riches to rags story. I really did have it all at one point, I really truly believe that. I was pretty fucking set. Now... well you all know where I'm at now. It's certainly terrible.
It's not only my emotional situation that's wearing on me, but everything else that comes with it. I am certainly not eating like I should be, I'm not sleeping well at all, I shouldn't be crying on a nightly basis. All of this leads me to believe that what I'm doing may not exactly be the proper course of action. I would much rather just dive right back in, get a job, and just go back on the grind. When you do that, you don't have time to worry about things. That's the gift of life! You stay busy, and you don't have to bother yourself with these episodes.
But, I really don't believe that either. I was also reading today (though I'm not going to find the exact quote, I don't even have the ambition to eat) and I've come to really respect the thought of life as finite. I always loved the notion that "my only comfort in life is assured death", but I don't mean to worry anybody with a sense that I'm undeniably morbid. Rather, I feel that when the end does come, it will be a relief. Which brings me to my next passage, which I actually marked the page of, for ease of recounting. Russel Brand remarks, quite wonderfully:
"I've got this sense in me sometimes that perhaps death will simply be blissful - an endless expanse of nothingness, which might be a great relief from the tyranny of life's minutiae."
My biggest dilemma with getting "back on track" is the unrelenting feeling that I can never get back to where I was. I begin to think of all the troubles and obstacles that are stacked in front of me, and can't even fathom what I would have to do in order to get over them.
For this next chapter, I just want to create as many diversions for myself as I can. That will be my ticket. I'll just keep myself completely distracted, and then maybe one day I'll wake up and realize, "Hey, I've made it". This theory is flawed, but I have to grasp on to any hope I can, be it fantasy or not.
Another part of the book that I enjoyed:
"Ever since the first couple of times I'd taken it, in my early twenties, I'd always maintained a great interest in heroin. I'd sort of fallen in love with the warmth of it - the way it felt like crawling back into the womb. I always knew it'd be the one, because it was the only drug that did what was promised... What it mainly does is take you right out of reality, and plant you somewhere more manageable. In short, it contextualizes everything else as meaningless."
"It makes you feel lovely and warm and cozy. It gives you a great, big, smacky cuddle, and from then on the idea of need is no longer an abstract thing, but a longing in your belly and a kicking in your legs and a shivering in your arms and sweat on your forehead and a dull pallor on your face."
Well, that cozy feeling would certainly benefit me, and I wouldn't feel like jumping off the nearest bridge (don't worry, I won't), but in the end, it's a completely terrible way to deal with things. I mean, it's certainly the best way, but the consequences make it into the worst.
I'm glad I got that off my chest. I don't think I have ever really gotten into drugs on here. I hope nobody is offended. If you are, feel free to discontinue your readings.
Goodnight all.
Just like the movies...
I've just now come to an unsettling realization about my life.
For quite awhile, up until maybe two years back, my life had all of the best qualities of cinematic masterpieces. I can recall moments throughout my life that had all of the dramatic pieces and euphoric climaxes that you would hope to see in the best of films. The acts in my play of life were full of promise, of excitement, of energy, of love. My memories are vivid, colorful remnants of a life once lived. I cherish more than anything the anecdotal value of the life that I have lived.
And yes, this even includes the beginning of the "bad years", when things began to become uncontrollable, and I was left at the mercy of the few people that love me, such as my family, and a few good friends. I certainly caused plenty of pain and turmoil and anguish throughout the past three or four years, all of which was caused by a force that was much stronger than my own will. I won't go in to details here, that can be for a more formalized publication.
However, the last two years or so seem to have completely lost the luster of the previous twenty-two. No longer do I really have any promise of hope. My friends have dispersed throughout the country, for the most part, with only a very small handful left. In actuality, the four people with whom I spent just about 95% of my time with throughout the past six years have all moved away. I'm talking about people I've resided with, people who know me better than even my family, I believe. This hasn't been easy for me at all. Last year, when I thought the worst was over, nothing panned out in the recovery that was supposed to be so majestic, so deserved for somebody as "smart and bright" as me. Surely everybody has hard times, and it was certain that the worst of my life were to be behind me. As fate would have it, that was not exactly the case.
I've spent this past year living day to day with no real outlook on the future. I have wallowed in self pity, feeling a sense of entitlement to something grander, but still seemingly stuck in the doldrums. The only positive thing that has come out of this time period has been the affection of the perfect woman, showering me with love amidst all my flaws. Had it not been for this, I'd certainly be in a much more drastic situation than the one I am currently in. I've never felt love in this sense, but I just don't know what I can do to maintain it. I'm trying, but trying doesn't always make for success. I "tried" to make something for myself this whole past year. But I guess I should acknowledge that I have been digging myself down for quite some time, and shouldn't expect to be out of the ditch in a fraction of that time.
But to deviate back to my original point, nothing sparkles anymore. Anything and everything was always possible in my best of days. I've driven through the night, back and forth from places far away, just in search of love, of adventure. Now I'm stationary, which is quite pathetic, but I also have nowhere to go. If I had been told that one day I would be stuck somewhere for more than a day or two, I would have laughed. I always had people around me who would do anything for me, and I was always the person to call if anything was needed. This made me content. I was as giving as I could possibly be, and I also received benefits for doing so.
Now, I just feel very solitary. Before, when I was booted from my humble abode, I had all sorts of people that were able to help me. Now, when faced with the same obstacle, I had not one single option available to me. So how am I to feel like anything is getting better, when seemingly everything has gone quite properly to shit. Life is quite a bummer for the have-nots, and I'm discovering that now with brutal intensity. I was never a member of this neglected group. I had it all. Quite astonishing how things have shaped up for little ol' me.
I also came across something that made me a bit reflective, and more self-loathing: "I think of my own mother and the times I've let her down and am rinsed with paint at the thought of the son I could've been, the son she deserved." So quite rightly I'm feeling like a prized ass at this moment in time, and I suppose it's only appropriate so ask for forgiveness. It's hard to humble yourself at times like these, however, when in such a state of resentment towards everything that has happened in your life, this feeling of "why me?" that I'm positive everybody has experienced at some time or another.
So yes, I am rather angry. I have very few wants right now, and none of them can happen, which also leads me to be quite frustrated. I want somebody to come get me, just for a day or so, I just want to enjoy myself for a bit. It's very hard to do this when you are quite far away from the one you love. I haven't been able to relax in the meekest sense of the word, and that bothers me a bit.
There are many things that could happen right now that could restore my faith in my cinematic, beautiful life. Somebody could show up in the middle of the night, and I could go and really enjoy my time for a bit. Not too long ago, this would have been commonplace, but now, it's not even an idea. It's just as if it's impossible. But I know that it is not impossible, which bothers me even more. The potential is most definitely there, but the wills I suppose are a bit lacking. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, I'm sure I've left all of my potential knights in shining armor a bit disillusioned with the idea of me. And I understand to an extent, but I don't want to come to terms of accepting it.
I just want things to be better. And I really need all of the love I can get. And I really just need some contact. I feel like I haven't had a physical contact with anybody in such a long time. I'm not quite keen to that, either. I'm a very affectionate person, I'm extremely emotional (especially now, if you didn't notice), and I really just need to be loved. And not from a family member, not the we-love-you-because-we-have-to type love, but the voluntary kind, the I-know-you-and-still-love-you kind. But unfortunately, it seems like a bit much to ask for at the moment. So, while I try to stop feeling sorry for myself, I'll be a bit troubled, and looking for another something to be grateful for.
Like I always say, I hope you are all getting off much better than I am.
With love, always,
Mike
For quite awhile, up until maybe two years back, my life had all of the best qualities of cinematic masterpieces. I can recall moments throughout my life that had all of the dramatic pieces and euphoric climaxes that you would hope to see in the best of films. The acts in my play of life were full of promise, of excitement, of energy, of love. My memories are vivid, colorful remnants of a life once lived. I cherish more than anything the anecdotal value of the life that I have lived.
And yes, this even includes the beginning of the "bad years", when things began to become uncontrollable, and I was left at the mercy of the few people that love me, such as my family, and a few good friends. I certainly caused plenty of pain and turmoil and anguish throughout the past three or four years, all of which was caused by a force that was much stronger than my own will. I won't go in to details here, that can be for a more formalized publication.
However, the last two years or so seem to have completely lost the luster of the previous twenty-two. No longer do I really have any promise of hope. My friends have dispersed throughout the country, for the most part, with only a very small handful left. In actuality, the four people with whom I spent just about 95% of my time with throughout the past six years have all moved away. I'm talking about people I've resided with, people who know me better than even my family, I believe. This hasn't been easy for me at all. Last year, when I thought the worst was over, nothing panned out in the recovery that was supposed to be so majestic, so deserved for somebody as "smart and bright" as me. Surely everybody has hard times, and it was certain that the worst of my life were to be behind me. As fate would have it, that was not exactly the case.
I've spent this past year living day to day with no real outlook on the future. I have wallowed in self pity, feeling a sense of entitlement to something grander, but still seemingly stuck in the doldrums. The only positive thing that has come out of this time period has been the affection of the perfect woman, showering me with love amidst all my flaws. Had it not been for this, I'd certainly be in a much more drastic situation than the one I am currently in. I've never felt love in this sense, but I just don't know what I can do to maintain it. I'm trying, but trying doesn't always make for success. I "tried" to make something for myself this whole past year. But I guess I should acknowledge that I have been digging myself down for quite some time, and shouldn't expect to be out of the ditch in a fraction of that time.
But to deviate back to my original point, nothing sparkles anymore. Anything and everything was always possible in my best of days. I've driven through the night, back and forth from places far away, just in search of love, of adventure. Now I'm stationary, which is quite pathetic, but I also have nowhere to go. If I had been told that one day I would be stuck somewhere for more than a day or two, I would have laughed. I always had people around me who would do anything for me, and I was always the person to call if anything was needed. This made me content. I was as giving as I could possibly be, and I also received benefits for doing so.
Now, I just feel very solitary. Before, when I was booted from my humble abode, I had all sorts of people that were able to help me. Now, when faced with the same obstacle, I had not one single option available to me. So how am I to feel like anything is getting better, when seemingly everything has gone quite properly to shit. Life is quite a bummer for the have-nots, and I'm discovering that now with brutal intensity. I was never a member of this neglected group. I had it all. Quite astonishing how things have shaped up for little ol' me.
I also came across something that made me a bit reflective, and more self-loathing: "I think of my own mother and the times I've let her down and am rinsed with paint at the thought of the son I could've been, the son she deserved." So quite rightly I'm feeling like a prized ass at this moment in time, and I suppose it's only appropriate so ask for forgiveness. It's hard to humble yourself at times like these, however, when in such a state of resentment towards everything that has happened in your life, this feeling of "why me?" that I'm positive everybody has experienced at some time or another.
So yes, I am rather angry. I have very few wants right now, and none of them can happen, which also leads me to be quite frustrated. I want somebody to come get me, just for a day or so, I just want to enjoy myself for a bit. It's very hard to do this when you are quite far away from the one you love. I haven't been able to relax in the meekest sense of the word, and that bothers me a bit.
There are many things that could happen right now that could restore my faith in my cinematic, beautiful life. Somebody could show up in the middle of the night, and I could go and really enjoy my time for a bit. Not too long ago, this would have been commonplace, but now, it's not even an idea. It's just as if it's impossible. But I know that it is not impossible, which bothers me even more. The potential is most definitely there, but the wills I suppose are a bit lacking. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, I'm sure I've left all of my potential knights in shining armor a bit disillusioned with the idea of me. And I understand to an extent, but I don't want to come to terms of accepting it.
I just want things to be better. And I really need all of the love I can get. And I really just need some contact. I feel like I haven't had a physical contact with anybody in such a long time. I'm not quite keen to that, either. I'm a very affectionate person, I'm extremely emotional (especially now, if you didn't notice), and I really just need to be loved. And not from a family member, not the we-love-you-because-we-have-to type love, but the voluntary kind, the I-know-you-and-still-love-you kind. But unfortunately, it seems like a bit much to ask for at the moment. So, while I try to stop feeling sorry for myself, I'll be a bit troubled, and looking for another something to be grateful for.
Like I always say, I hope you are all getting off much better than I am.
With love, always,
Mike
DISCLAIMER
If you are related to me, don't read any of this. This is for me and for people not related to me. Yes, there are two sides to every story. I'm entitled to mine, as well as you are to yours.
So, if you are the type to get mad about such things, then piss off.
So, if you are the type to get mad about such things, then piss off.
Tuesdays suck all of the sudden.
I really do apologize for my slacking this evening. I seriously had all afternoon and all night to give you followers of mine something to read but, if I'm being honest (which you know I like to be), I had the worst fucking night I've had in awhile. Not to worry, I've settled a bit now. I'll write a bit, but then I'm gonna hit the sack, because I'm exhausted, and I'm going to proceed with taking some sleep aids right about ... NOW.
My day started out just like any other. I took a walk, but as I noted earlier, my phone wasn't picking up a good GPS signal, then it finally did, and took it upon itself to just shut off... twice. So I didn't feel like piecing it all together, my apologies, because the highlight of everybody's day is seeing where I walk. I'm sure some of you may say, "I wonder where Mike walked today, let's go see if the internet will tell us!" and then I'm sure today you looked, saw my post, and then your whole day just went to shit. Hey now, maybe that's why my day went to shit! If my phone starts acting crazy during my walks again, I'll just know to expect a shitstorm of a day.
So then I went to my uncle's shop, showed him the website that I made him, and was there for about an hour or so. My friend Danny came to pick me up. I hadn't seen him since March, so it was really nice to see him. It was doubly nice because I hadn't seen a friend since I saw my favorite teacher on Wednesday morning of last week, just before beginning my adventure up here. So, I told my uncle that I was leaving, just going out for a bit. Everything seemed fine. He knew, my grandmother knew, I thought everything would be great, and I was extremely excited to catch up with Danny.
I'm in the car no more than 10 minutes and my mother calls me. I ignore the first call, get her voicemail and a text. She calls back, I answer. "Where are you?" in her mean voice. I always know when she's mad. Basically every voicemail she's ever left me you can hear it in her voice. I explain that I'm going to the Garden State Plaza and just hanging out for a bit. Well, I'm not going to detail this conversation, but I ended up yelling (I don't do that) and cursing up a storm, and she tells me that she will come pick me up tomorrow because I'm so inconsiderate, and I wasn't supposed to go out or anything while I was up here. That's a story in itself as well.
So that's the very short version of the story. Needless to say, tonight it was taken care of. My grandmother actually seemed surprised that my mother was so mad. It was nice to see that. I'm very used to always being the blame and the reason of everybody else's misfortune, but it was nice that she saw that it wasn't such a big deal as my mother was making it out to be.
Danny and I just stopped by GSP, and then relaxed at his house and watched Predators. Well, more like we put the movie on and both fell asleep. I was tired all day, so this was fine by me. Then on the ride back, just like on the ride down, we just talked about all of the crazy shit that we've lived through. We certainly have had interesting lives. I really might write a book, so you can read about them if I ever do. So many come to mind. It was awesome to see him, the only good part of my day.
When I got back, I was locked out of the house, and my grandmother wouldn't return for at least about two hours. The thing is, I locked the door while I was trying to open it, so that made me a fool. I managed to gain entrance through the bathroom window. It was ridiculous. The window only opened just enough so that I could slide my arms inside. Then, long armed as I am, I reached all the way to the top of the windows with both hands, and somehow miraculously was able to pop open the window. However, this window was about eye-height, so I pulled a chair around from the porch to boost myself in. It was really quite ridiculous, as I've never done anything of the sort before in my life. Actually, i climbed in a window once, but nowhere near as dramatically or determined as today.
My grandmother then arrived home, and eventually she called my mom and everything was fine I guess. I called her, too. I'm not going to go into it really. I also got on the MugTome (facebook, you moron) and talked to my girl. I called her too. I basically had a mental breakdown tonight. I'll detail it a bit more in the morning I guess, if I do at all. I also arranged a lunch with Diem this weekend in the city. Should be lovely to see her again. I could certainly use all the friendship/companionship that I can get. I'm quite lonely. Boo fucking hoo, right?
I think that will about do it for this evening. I'm not walking in the morning, because Grams is delivering papers. So I'll get to sleep in, which I desperately need after this whole night of sobbing. I might wake up around 8:45 so I can make another post, I'll see how I feel when the alarm goes off.
Oh, and I talked to Taylor about moving to California. I might have to make that happen in the somewhat distant future. Maybe in a year. I do quite miss him. Good times all around with him.
Goodnight, and I hope you are all much happier than I am at the moment.
My day started out just like any other. I took a walk, but as I noted earlier, my phone wasn't picking up a good GPS signal, then it finally did, and took it upon itself to just shut off... twice. So I didn't feel like piecing it all together, my apologies, because the highlight of everybody's day is seeing where I walk. I'm sure some of you may say, "I wonder where Mike walked today, let's go see if the internet will tell us!" and then I'm sure today you looked, saw my post, and then your whole day just went to shit. Hey now, maybe that's why my day went to shit! If my phone starts acting crazy during my walks again, I'll just know to expect a shitstorm of a day.
So then I went to my uncle's shop, showed him the website that I made him, and was there for about an hour or so. My friend Danny came to pick me up. I hadn't seen him since March, so it was really nice to see him. It was doubly nice because I hadn't seen a friend since I saw my favorite teacher on Wednesday morning of last week, just before beginning my adventure up here. So, I told my uncle that I was leaving, just going out for a bit. Everything seemed fine. He knew, my grandmother knew, I thought everything would be great, and I was extremely excited to catch up with Danny.
I'm in the car no more than 10 minutes and my mother calls me. I ignore the first call, get her voicemail and a text. She calls back, I answer. "Where are you?" in her mean voice. I always know when she's mad. Basically every voicemail she's ever left me you can hear it in her voice. I explain that I'm going to the Garden State Plaza and just hanging out for a bit. Well, I'm not going to detail this conversation, but I ended up yelling (I don't do that) and cursing up a storm, and she tells me that she will come pick me up tomorrow because I'm so inconsiderate, and I wasn't supposed to go out or anything while I was up here. That's a story in itself as well.
So that's the very short version of the story. Needless to say, tonight it was taken care of. My grandmother actually seemed surprised that my mother was so mad. It was nice to see that. I'm very used to always being the blame and the reason of everybody else's misfortune, but it was nice that she saw that it wasn't such a big deal as my mother was making it out to be.
Danny and I just stopped by GSP, and then relaxed at his house and watched Predators. Well, more like we put the movie on and both fell asleep. I was tired all day, so this was fine by me. Then on the ride back, just like on the ride down, we just talked about all of the crazy shit that we've lived through. We certainly have had interesting lives. I really might write a book, so you can read about them if I ever do. So many come to mind. It was awesome to see him, the only good part of my day.
When I got back, I was locked out of the house, and my grandmother wouldn't return for at least about two hours. The thing is, I locked the door while I was trying to open it, so that made me a fool. I managed to gain entrance through the bathroom window. It was ridiculous. The window only opened just enough so that I could slide my arms inside. Then, long armed as I am, I reached all the way to the top of the windows with both hands, and somehow miraculously was able to pop open the window. However, this window was about eye-height, so I pulled a chair around from the porch to boost myself in. It was really quite ridiculous, as I've never done anything of the sort before in my life. Actually, i climbed in a window once, but nowhere near as dramatically or determined as today.
My grandmother then arrived home, and eventually she called my mom and everything was fine I guess. I called her, too. I'm not going to go into it really. I also got on the MugTome (facebook, you moron) and talked to my girl. I called her too. I basically had a mental breakdown tonight. I'll detail it a bit more in the morning I guess, if I do at all. I also arranged a lunch with Diem this weekend in the city. Should be lovely to see her again. I could certainly use all the friendship/companionship that I can get. I'm quite lonely. Boo fucking hoo, right?
I think that will about do it for this evening. I'm not walking in the morning, because Grams is delivering papers. So I'll get to sleep in, which I desperately need after this whole night of sobbing. I might wake up around 8:45 so I can make another post, I'll see how I feel when the alarm goes off.
Oh, and I talked to Taylor about moving to California. I might have to make that happen in the somewhat distant future. Maybe in a year. I do quite miss him. Good times all around with him.
Goodnight, and I hope you are all much happier than I am at the moment.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Good morning, New York.
Well, I would normally post where I walked... but my phone kept being quite the sporadic asshole, and shut off twice while en route. I will still post the majority of the track later, but I'm a little ticked with it right now, and refuse to do anything with it until later.
After my post last night, I went straight to bed basically. It took me an awful long time to finally doze off, however. And then, when I got up this morning, it was rather gloomy, and I still don't really feel that I'm quite 100% awake. I also decided to feast on a chicken fajita, which was entertaining. I'm still a bit hungry, however. I don't really have any inclination to make anything else, so this is quite a bit of a dilemma. Cheese Nips don't exactly sound like a proper stomach-filler at the moment, either. It's quite intriguing how something so simple is such a predicament for me.
Well, I've decided to at least go to work today with my uncle for a bit. I have to at least show him the website I made, and then I suppose I'll just send Danny towards my work to come obtain me.
Well, I guess it's time to bathe myself. A shower might do just the trick. I hope everybody has a decent morning. Just remember, shit can get way worse, just look at me!
After my post last night, I went straight to bed basically. It took me an awful long time to finally doze off, however. And then, when I got up this morning, it was rather gloomy, and I still don't really feel that I'm quite 100% awake. I also decided to feast on a chicken fajita, which was entertaining. I'm still a bit hungry, however. I don't really have any inclination to make anything else, so this is quite a bit of a dilemma. Cheese Nips don't exactly sound like a proper stomach-filler at the moment, either. It's quite intriguing how something so simple is such a predicament for me.
Well, I've decided to at least go to work today with my uncle for a bit. I have to at least show him the website I made, and then I suppose I'll just send Danny towards my work to come obtain me.
Well, I guess it's time to bathe myself. A shower might do just the trick. I hope everybody has a decent morning. Just remember, shit can get way worse, just look at me!
Monday, October 25, 2010
A tired rant, I suppose.
If I'm not going to jerk you around, I should probably come clean and admit that I don't really have much to write about today. I mean, I'll do the usual, write about my day, but I'm a bit tired, so we'll just take this ride together and see how it goes.
I got up this morning around 7:00AM, but actually didn't have much of a fuss about it like I've been having. If you saw my post earlier, I'm sure you saw my post of my morning walk (and afternoon walk). The walk was nice. I wore shorts, like a fucking moron. I surely required a ridiculously hot shower when I got back. But I saw quite a few deer, all of them really close to me, so that's always somewhat intriguing. Wildlife certainly amuses the piss out of me.
Got back here, made the post, then was off to work. A pretty interesting day at work. I felt useless for the first half of the day. Decided to do some merchandising around the store, moved some stuff around, swept the floor. But after about noon I actually did some stuff. This old bastard came in with his power tool to try to replace the belt. The one we were carrying didn't quite fit, so we had to have another one delivered. I made the unfortunate mistake in seeming to be interested in this situation at all.
So, I helped the guy get all the tools that he needed throughout the process of taking the fucking contraption apart. Needed something like four different sized wrenches, which is pretty fucking ridiculous if you ask me. I guess that's why nobody ever asks me?
We finally figured it out (it took me to actually figure out that the last bit screwed out and didn't just pull out, and he's trying ferociously to pull the metal from the machine). The belt fit in pretty well, and to my amusement he started it up outside, and it worked. A job well fucking done, if I may say so myself.
I also helped somebody over the phone (I'm such a big man now), and assisted a few lovely patrons. Chatted it up with my uncle a bit as well throughout the day. A fairly decent day overall.
Back to the jailhouse it was then. Decided on another walk, took it, and took pictures along the way, which can be seen on my previous post. Then, spent the rest of the night doing a bunch of lovely things. I certainly made time to chat up my girl for a bit. I am somewhat in a bind, and I, if I'm being honest, need her loving, like yesterday. It can't come soon enough. Had to tease her a bit to come see me, but unfortunately, she couldn't be guilted enough, and remained home.
I also had a nice conversation with a friend, and got a hold of Danny. I believe he is coming to pick me up in the morning, which is wonderful. I need any sort of socialization that I can get at this point. It will be nice to see a familiar face, especially his, since I haven't seen him since we went to NYC in March. We'll probably have a go at the mall, or maybe voyage elsewhere. Anything will do for me.
Tonight I also constructed a website for my uncle. It's not completed, but I made it. Made a temporary logo for him, too. It's here if you care to look. So that took quite a shitload of time. I'm just getting done really. And now I'm feeling quite sleepy.
So yea, that's about it. Not too grand, but not too shabby. I'm fairly positive that tomorrow will bring about some much more interesting lore. If I were you, which I'm not, I'd be excited. Oh yea, get crazy.
Will most likely shoot another update in the morning, most likely with a map of, guess what... my morning promenade! Until then, my darlings.
I got up this morning around 7:00AM, but actually didn't have much of a fuss about it like I've been having. If you saw my post earlier, I'm sure you saw my post of my morning walk (and afternoon walk). The walk was nice. I wore shorts, like a fucking moron. I surely required a ridiculously hot shower when I got back. But I saw quite a few deer, all of them really close to me, so that's always somewhat intriguing. Wildlife certainly amuses the piss out of me.
Got back here, made the post, then was off to work. A pretty interesting day at work. I felt useless for the first half of the day. Decided to do some merchandising around the store, moved some stuff around, swept the floor. But after about noon I actually did some stuff. This old bastard came in with his power tool to try to replace the belt. The one we were carrying didn't quite fit, so we had to have another one delivered. I made the unfortunate mistake in seeming to be interested in this situation at all.
So, I helped the guy get all the tools that he needed throughout the process of taking the fucking contraption apart. Needed something like four different sized wrenches, which is pretty fucking ridiculous if you ask me. I guess that's why nobody ever asks me?
We finally figured it out (it took me to actually figure out that the last bit screwed out and didn't just pull out, and he's trying ferociously to pull the metal from the machine). The belt fit in pretty well, and to my amusement he started it up outside, and it worked. A job well fucking done, if I may say so myself.
I also helped somebody over the phone (I'm such a big man now), and assisted a few lovely patrons. Chatted it up with my uncle a bit as well throughout the day. A fairly decent day overall.
Back to the jailhouse it was then. Decided on another walk, took it, and took pictures along the way, which can be seen on my previous post. Then, spent the rest of the night doing a bunch of lovely things. I certainly made time to chat up my girl for a bit. I am somewhat in a bind, and I, if I'm being honest, need her loving, like yesterday. It can't come soon enough. Had to tease her a bit to come see me, but unfortunately, she couldn't be guilted enough, and remained home.
I also had a nice conversation with a friend, and got a hold of Danny. I believe he is coming to pick me up in the morning, which is wonderful. I need any sort of socialization that I can get at this point. It will be nice to see a familiar face, especially his, since I haven't seen him since we went to NYC in March. We'll probably have a go at the mall, or maybe voyage elsewhere. Anything will do for me.
Tonight I also constructed a website for my uncle. It's not completed, but I made it. Made a temporary logo for him, too. It's here if you care to look. So that took quite a shitload of time. I'm just getting done really. And now I'm feeling quite sleepy.
So yea, that's about it. Not too grand, but not too shabby. I'm fairly positive that tomorrow will bring about some much more interesting lore. If I were you, which I'm not, I'd be excited. Oh yea, get crazy.
Will most likely shoot another update in the morning, most likely with a map of, guess what... my morning promenade! Until then, my darlings.
My Monday afternoon walk.
A map of my walk this afternoon.
View Monday Afternoon Walk 8/25 in a larger map
I also took a few pictures during my walk, and then some pictures of my grandmother's house. You can see them here if you please. I'll probably post about my day in a little bit. Because I know you are just dying to find out how I wasted 12 hours so far today. Don't worry, you won't have to be in suspense much longer.
View Monday Afternoon Walk 8/25 in a larger map
I also took a few pictures during my walk, and then some pictures of my grandmother's house. You can see them here if you please. I'll probably post about my day in a little bit. Because I know you are just dying to find out how I wasted 12 hours so far today. Don't worry, you won't have to be in suspense much longer.
My walk this morning!
Just felt like posting this before I went off to work. This was the walk I enjoyed this morning, took about an hour or so. Here are two pictures I also took, as well as a map of my walk.
View Monday Morning Walk 8/25 in a larger map
View Monday Morning Walk 8/25 in a larger map
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Get to church, you goddamn heathen!
Alright, you fuckers, have I got some shit to write about tonight! I guess I could even be described as excited, which is a pretty nice change from what I've been lately. And believe you me, the day did not start with this same sense of giddy ready-to-set-shit-straight attitude.
I assume it's proper to first detail the events of the day, this day that I am so anxious to recount to you, my few faithful readers. Well I'm glad you want to know, so I won't keep you waiting any longer. Get ready to be entertained, it was quite a doozy.
My day officially began upon my waking, which occurred somewhere around 8:00 AM. I was under the impression that I would be taking a short walk this morning, but my wonderful roommate (aka grandmother) spared me, although I had agreed to join her. She let me sleep in a little, so I suppose the day didn't start off too incredibly unfortunate. However, I was awoke with the intent of carting me over to a religious institution (or a church, as she calls it). "Wake up, you have to get ready for church!" I recall as being the words I arose to. Whatever, I figured, and jumped in the shower, and nice hot one, if you were wondering. I don't take cold showers, so I'm sure you were fucking surprised. Anyway, I'm drifting, I suppose I should stick to the story that you are so anxious to hear.
So, we leave the house at about 8:45 to go to this holy gathering. It really isn't very far away, just a few town hops, and we arrived not much later than 9:00. Wonderfully, the pray-orgy didn't start until 9:30, so I was graced with a lovely half hour of being introduced to people whom I didn't really care to meet, as I am rather confident that I will not make attending such festivities a habit. So then, the whole thing happened, and I was rather relieved when everything came to a conclusion. That is, until upon exiting the building, my grandmother informs me that I will be accompanying her to an "after-church special", as I prefer to call it. I had a few choice things to say, but just decided to shut my fucking mouth, as nothing good could possibly come of expelling anything that I was feeling about the situation.
So, I call my love, and essentially yell at her about how "fucking pissed" I was. I upset her a bit, which was not intended, but it happened. I just needed a bit of a vent. Quite amazing how my hour plus with the Lord led me to such a wonderful place in life, where I'm yelling at the one person I care about. Must be something special, this whole bullshit religion idea.
Okay, so in I go, ready to feel abused again by our heavenly father. Luckily, the happiness-raping predicament only lasted thirty minutes, and I was off to my Aunt's for lunch. This was the part of the day that was actually rather lovely. I was able to enjoy full service on my lovely mobile device, and spent my four hours there downloading music, listening to music, enjoying some beautiful views, and communicating with a select group of special friends, including my beautiful girl(friend?).
So everything can't be so bad, eh? Oh just you hold, you fool. I was right off to yet another lovely bout with religion at 5:00 PM. How does it make any sense to spend almost three hours doing this, and then go back for another hour. This was a bit of a more modern service, including drums, clapping, guitars, and the whole lot. I'm sorry, but that doesn't make it any better, maybe even worse. I have a whole bit to say about this as well, trying to modernize something already so shitty. I'll save that for later. To make matters worse, it lasted well past 6:00. I finally got back here around 6:45, made a few phone calls, and sat down to write, as I'm quite interested in writing about this.
Now, for my mad man ramblings. I suppose I'll keep it a bit short, given the length of this is already a bit of a fucking mess.
I have been forced to attend these sing-and-pray events since I was a young chap. I never particularly took a liking to them, but it was forced, so I did my best to tolerate (and if you know me, I don't do very well when it comes to doing things I don't want to do, which I'm sure isn't unique to me). I even did "Sunday School" and fucking despised it. I remember pretending to be asleep in the car when we would arrive, in the ridiculous hopes that my parents would look, think "aw, he's asleep, let's just go in and let him be". Think that ever worked, yea of course fucking not. When in the main service, I would just slump down in my seat, really fucking hate when we had to stand to sing (and I was always forced, never got away with staying in my seat), and would try my best to let my mind wander throughout the duration. It became much easier once I had a cellphone in the later years of these force-fed religious outings.
So, to the point I suppose, wouldn't that be god-damn dandy. I never listened to anything anybody had to say while I was there. Today was different. I listened, both at 9:30, 11:00, and also at 5:00 (just seeing myself type this reminds me of the ridiculousness of a three-time fuck). I came to quite an interesting conclusion about religion. The whole fucking this is one BIG FUCKING GUILT TRIP. The only item of discussion was about how nobody in the room was any fucking good, and how we all suck at being right with the Lord. And I realize, looking back, that I recall this same shit being fed to me as a little tike. The entire holy experience only entails other people telling you that you aren't doing enough. And I remember my pastor once told me that if I didn't attend more regularly, he literally, and I'm not jerking you, told me that I was on a path to hell. If that isn't some proper encouragement, I couldn't give you any idea what was.
Who wants to wake up on the one day where you can usually rest, and go to a building full of obviously stupid people (or at least people who aren't logical), and be told that you are a mediocre prick, and the fact that you've enjoyed any part of your life means that you are going to hell. By the way, I say that the people there aren't logical, because if you were really a logical person, there is no fucking way in hell that you could believe that some bearded guy in the clouds made all this shit down here, and say that science is bullshit. Science=logical, whereas religious=blind. I get why some older people go. Shit, if I was gonna die tomorrow, I'm sure I'd pray, just in case this bullshit turned out to be proper. But unless I'm on my deathbed, I'm not giving this "heavenly father" any of my day. And if he does exist, he should tell his representatives to stop being fucking man-hating twats.
Now look, I really have nothing against religious people, as some of them manage to be quite nice. However, thinking of the members of my church (which I don't attend), they are all miserable geezers, struggling for power in the church. I suppose they have nothing better to live for, so they battle for props in this supposed holy place. How fucking incredible, war in the place of "ultimate peace" and passion. I also know that when I go to these things, people are always gossiping like little fucking schoolgirls. It's quite off putting, as I should think the people there should be much less judgemental, and considering that I heard that today, that they weren't judgemental, and then continue to inform the room that they are lousy god-lovers.
Boy oh fucking boy, this surely felt nice to write out. I'm not even going to read it over, so if there are a few fuck-ups, it's probably because God put them in there. Thanks big guy!
I may write a bit more later tonight, so stay tuned!
I assume it's proper to first detail the events of the day, this day that I am so anxious to recount to you, my few faithful readers. Well I'm glad you want to know, so I won't keep you waiting any longer. Get ready to be entertained, it was quite a doozy.
My day officially began upon my waking, which occurred somewhere around 8:00 AM. I was under the impression that I would be taking a short walk this morning, but my wonderful roommate (aka grandmother) spared me, although I had agreed to join her. She let me sleep in a little, so I suppose the day didn't start off too incredibly unfortunate. However, I was awoke with the intent of carting me over to a religious institution (or a church, as she calls it). "Wake up, you have to get ready for church!" I recall as being the words I arose to. Whatever, I figured, and jumped in the shower, and nice hot one, if you were wondering. I don't take cold showers, so I'm sure you were fucking surprised. Anyway, I'm drifting, I suppose I should stick to the story that you are so anxious to hear.
So, we leave the house at about 8:45 to go to this holy gathering. It really isn't very far away, just a few town hops, and we arrived not much later than 9:00. Wonderfully, the pray-orgy didn't start until 9:30, so I was graced with a lovely half hour of being introduced to people whom I didn't really care to meet, as I am rather confident that I will not make attending such festivities a habit. So then, the whole thing happened, and I was rather relieved when everything came to a conclusion. That is, until upon exiting the building, my grandmother informs me that I will be accompanying her to an "after-church special", as I prefer to call it. I had a few choice things to say, but just decided to shut my fucking mouth, as nothing good could possibly come of expelling anything that I was feeling about the situation.
So, I call my love, and essentially yell at her about how "fucking pissed" I was. I upset her a bit, which was not intended, but it happened. I just needed a bit of a vent. Quite amazing how my hour plus with the Lord led me to such a wonderful place in life, where I'm yelling at the one person I care about. Must be something special, this whole bullshit religion idea.
Okay, so in I go, ready to feel abused again by our heavenly father. Luckily, the happiness-raping predicament only lasted thirty minutes, and I was off to my Aunt's for lunch. This was the part of the day that was actually rather lovely. I was able to enjoy full service on my lovely mobile device, and spent my four hours there downloading music, listening to music, enjoying some beautiful views, and communicating with a select group of special friends, including my beautiful girl(friend?).
So everything can't be so bad, eh? Oh just you hold, you fool. I was right off to yet another lovely bout with religion at 5:00 PM. How does it make any sense to spend almost three hours doing this, and then go back for another hour. This was a bit of a more modern service, including drums, clapping, guitars, and the whole lot. I'm sorry, but that doesn't make it any better, maybe even worse. I have a whole bit to say about this as well, trying to modernize something already so shitty. I'll save that for later. To make matters worse, it lasted well past 6:00. I finally got back here around 6:45, made a few phone calls, and sat down to write, as I'm quite interested in writing about this.
Now, for my mad man ramblings. I suppose I'll keep it a bit short, given the length of this is already a bit of a fucking mess.
I have been forced to attend these sing-and-pray events since I was a young chap. I never particularly took a liking to them, but it was forced, so I did my best to tolerate (and if you know me, I don't do very well when it comes to doing things I don't want to do, which I'm sure isn't unique to me). I even did "Sunday School" and fucking despised it. I remember pretending to be asleep in the car when we would arrive, in the ridiculous hopes that my parents would look, think "aw, he's asleep, let's just go in and let him be". Think that ever worked, yea of course fucking not. When in the main service, I would just slump down in my seat, really fucking hate when we had to stand to sing (and I was always forced, never got away with staying in my seat), and would try my best to let my mind wander throughout the duration. It became much easier once I had a cellphone in the later years of these force-fed religious outings.
So, to the point I suppose, wouldn't that be god-damn dandy. I never listened to anything anybody had to say while I was there. Today was different. I listened, both at 9:30, 11:00, and also at 5:00 (just seeing myself type this reminds me of the ridiculousness of a three-time fuck). I came to quite an interesting conclusion about religion. The whole fucking this is one BIG FUCKING GUILT TRIP. The only item of discussion was about how nobody in the room was any fucking good, and how we all suck at being right with the Lord. And I realize, looking back, that I recall this same shit being fed to me as a little tike. The entire holy experience only entails other people telling you that you aren't doing enough. And I remember my pastor once told me that if I didn't attend more regularly, he literally, and I'm not jerking you, told me that I was on a path to hell. If that isn't some proper encouragement, I couldn't give you any idea what was.
Who wants to wake up on the one day where you can usually rest, and go to a building full of obviously stupid people (or at least people who aren't logical), and be told that you are a mediocre prick, and the fact that you've enjoyed any part of your life means that you are going to hell. By the way, I say that the people there aren't logical, because if you were really a logical person, there is no fucking way in hell that you could believe that some bearded guy in the clouds made all this shit down here, and say that science is bullshit. Science=logical, whereas religious=blind. I get why some older people go. Shit, if I was gonna die tomorrow, I'm sure I'd pray, just in case this bullshit turned out to be proper. But unless I'm on my deathbed, I'm not giving this "heavenly father" any of my day. And if he does exist, he should tell his representatives to stop being fucking man-hating twats.
Now look, I really have nothing against religious people, as some of them manage to be quite nice. However, thinking of the members of my church (which I don't attend), they are all miserable geezers, struggling for power in the church. I suppose they have nothing better to live for, so they battle for props in this supposed holy place. How fucking incredible, war in the place of "ultimate peace" and passion. I also know that when I go to these things, people are always gossiping like little fucking schoolgirls. It's quite off putting, as I should think the people there should be much less judgemental, and considering that I heard that today, that they weren't judgemental, and then continue to inform the room that they are lousy god-lovers.
Boy oh fucking boy, this surely felt nice to write out. I'm not even going to read it over, so if there are a few fuck-ups, it's probably because God put them in there. Thanks big guy!
I may write a bit more later tonight, so stay tuned!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
it's what i got!
All that I've got right now is a laptop with a semi-reliable connection to this world wide web, and my thoughts driving me mad. You are certainly reading the transgressions of a madman, just thought you should be privy to that.
There is not quite a meaning for this post, besides to remind all partakers that I am very lonely, with no real outlet of communication besides through here, which is quite bonkers. Having a mobile device here is quite meaningless, at least when I'm cooped up in the house from the hours of about 5:00PM or so onward.
I've acquired some lined paper, and a few nice pens. What's all the more wonderful, the nicest of the pens is from Amnesty International or some sort of like shit. I just know that sitting in the room adjacent me, lurks a pen with the words "Amnesty" etched across it. And what makes the situation all the more ironic is that I intend to write some rather raunchy material onto these sheets of used-to-be-trees.
I'm contemplating writing something special, for somebody who also happens to be rather special. I haven't embarked on such a quest since I was in high school. I used to resort to such writings, if I'm being honest (which I am), to attract attention from the female populous. A few of my female friends will recall this period of my existance. I just wanted to be loved, if that's a crime, then what the fuck is my business being a free man? I still want to be loved, but I definitely take a less look-at-me desperate approach than I had formerly employed.
So, that being said, if I manage to stay sane throughout the remainder of the night, I plan on writing something beautiful. I don't want to just type it out now, I think it's more of a magical process when one can place words to paper. Of course, if the finished product is to my liking, I won't mind disclosing it through this modern means of communication. However, my intended audience must have the first go at it.
I don't really know what else to do with myself at this point. I've been working through my sorrows rather affably, I must admit. But with the latest bit of news that I have received, I may not get be able to obtain the happiness that I'm so craving until an even later box on the calendar. Now, there's absolutely no possibility in me not getting to the lesser state of Pennsylvania before Halloween. And, yes, I am fully aware that said "holiday" is not exactly a lifetime away, but it certainly feels like such. I am really hoping that a miracle happens, and I can see that person that I'm dying inside to see before I actually do go ape-shit mad.
Not to worry, I will certainly detail all progress, and regress, that should develop. I'm just hoping that I won't have to report the latter.
In an utterly cliche end-note, I shall quote a song. Even worse, it's a song that I never even took a particular liking to, but it seems rather appropriate given the situation: "You know, that I could use somebody".
There is not quite a meaning for this post, besides to remind all partakers that I am very lonely, with no real outlet of communication besides through here, which is quite bonkers. Having a mobile device here is quite meaningless, at least when I'm cooped up in the house from the hours of about 5:00PM or so onward.
I've acquired some lined paper, and a few nice pens. What's all the more wonderful, the nicest of the pens is from Amnesty International or some sort of like shit. I just know that sitting in the room adjacent me, lurks a pen with the words "Amnesty" etched across it. And what makes the situation all the more ironic is that I intend to write some rather raunchy material onto these sheets of used-to-be-trees.
I'm contemplating writing something special, for somebody who also happens to be rather special. I haven't embarked on such a quest since I was in high school. I used to resort to such writings, if I'm being honest (which I am), to attract attention from the female populous. A few of my female friends will recall this period of my existance. I just wanted to be loved, if that's a crime, then what the fuck is my business being a free man? I still want to be loved, but I definitely take a less look-at-me desperate approach than I had formerly employed.
So, that being said, if I manage to stay sane throughout the remainder of the night, I plan on writing something beautiful. I don't want to just type it out now, I think it's more of a magical process when one can place words to paper. Of course, if the finished product is to my liking, I won't mind disclosing it through this modern means of communication. However, my intended audience must have the first go at it.
I don't really know what else to do with myself at this point. I've been working through my sorrows rather affably, I must admit. But with the latest bit of news that I have received, I may not get be able to obtain the happiness that I'm so craving until an even later box on the calendar. Now, there's absolutely no possibility in me not getting to the lesser state of Pennsylvania before Halloween. And, yes, I am fully aware that said "holiday" is not exactly a lifetime away, but it certainly feels like such. I am really hoping that a miracle happens, and I can see that person that I'm dying inside to see before I actually do go ape-shit mad.
Not to worry, I will certainly detail all progress, and regress, that should develop. I'm just hoping that I won't have to report the latter.
In an utterly cliche end-note, I shall quote a song. Even worse, it's a song that I never even took a particular liking to, but it seems rather appropriate given the situation: "You know, that I could use somebody".
How's about a nice read? Go on, then...
Today was swell, I tell you. Normally, this first bit would be seen as a negative, but for me it worked quite the opposite. I didn't sleep, or even really get anywhere close to sleeping last night. I can't exactly recall how I managed to spend all those hours awake without losing my sanity (or maybe the whole sanity thing has long flown out the window), but I did it. I know that I was just paroozing around the internet until about 1:15AM, and then justly powered down the computing device. From there, I guess I can just owe my all-nighter to my handicapped reading ability. Come this morning, I was only about 122 pages in to My Booky Wook, and that sounds like a number that may easily be over-achieved throughout five or so hours of reading. But I assure you, I spent just about that much time reading. Fuck off, I'm a slow reader. We can't all be blessed, you know. However, I will fuck you up proper if we go into some arithmetic.
Alright, so around 6:15 I come out of my bungalow to find my new roomie already awake and starting her day. She was astonished to see me at such a time, but I know she was rather contented that she didn't have to repeatedly ask me to wake up at 7:25 AM when we are to meet our walking buddy at 7:30. So, I guess this magnificent deed of battling the nightly hours came to benefit not just I, but also her, and our relationship towards eachother throughout the day. I feel she saw me as less of a bother, as I was awake and eager, and also in an uncharacteristically good mood.
So, off we went on our morning walk. If you have any interest, you can see where we decided to prance around, as I recorded the track with my phone. Quite humorous that I can't get proper cell service on my mobile device, yet it can track my exact position to within 6 feet throughout my 3.3 mile endeavor.
A map of my walk this morning.
So, following that and about a two hour layover between activities, which I spent reading some more, I was off to my newly acquired occupation. I didn't really anticipate helping my uncle again, but upon stopping by, he reaffirmed that he needed my help. I spent the day performing tasks that I can rightfully say I have never done before. It was a pleasant day of learning, although admittedly, it became rather busy at times, and I felt quite the ass standing behind the counter doing nothing. A few periods throughout the day there would be six or more people waiting, but they basically had to come up one by one, as Uncle Jim was the only one of us two who had any real grasp of the occupation in which we were employed. I just rang some stuff out, found a couple parts in the back, and fucked off in the downtime, mainly joking with the customers, all whom seemed very fond of my uncle.
So, from 10:15AM until 2:50PM, I could be found at the Napa store in Warwick. From there, I went to Shoprite just to grab a few things that I may need over the next day or so. My grandmother refuses to shop on Sunday, the proper Christian that she is. I also managed to swing into Rite-Aid to buy myself a pack of forbidden Newports.
As for tomorrow? Maybe another track to post, but most certainly I will be entertaining the idea of going to church not once, but twice. In the morning, and then right back again around 5:00PM. I guess a bit of lunch with my aunt will separate the two inevitable truths that I must encounter. I'm hoping to get a hold of the Whole Foods guy who called me, in hopes that I can set up and interview and hopefully come home. Of course, my only reason for wanting to return to Pennsylvania is to see the woman who holds my heart. It would be so much easier if this new life I'm living involved much more of her, and less of my shitty attempts of filling time. I don't know how I'm going to get to see her. If i had a fucking car I'd be visiting every day after work. The drive isn't bad at all, it's actually quite nice. I've always liked the drive, except for when I was a bit younger and felt like being a little shit.
I'm trying not to dwell on this lonliness, but it's hard. It would be one thing if I was out and about in the area, as I see all kinds of people about my age as I drive through town. Maybe I'll just get dropped off in town and fuck about for a few hours, see who I meet, and try to get properly shitfaced in some bar I've never been before. Only time will tell. But I do promise one thing. I'd trade any amount of fun or adventure just to see her. She's the one for me right now, she's what I've got goin' for me. Without her, I just feel like a useless nitwit. But I'm definitely trying to make it through the struggle. I'm a Pennsylvanian refugee up in New York, and nobody seems to need me back enough to help. Not that I expect it, I just feel a teensy bit forgotten.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder though. In my case, it's a little bit ridiculous, really. I can't sit at night without, honestly, feeling like I want to cry. Oh I know, how sensitive. How can the world possess somebody so sensitive and beautiful as me. Blah blah I know, fuck off. But seriously, this is really fucking terrible. And for some odd reason, I know that as soon as I have her in my arms, all of this useless banter will be meaningless, and I will be happy, and I will be home.
Alright, so around 6:15 I come out of my bungalow to find my new roomie already awake and starting her day. She was astonished to see me at such a time, but I know she was rather contented that she didn't have to repeatedly ask me to wake up at 7:25 AM when we are to meet our walking buddy at 7:30. So, I guess this magnificent deed of battling the nightly hours came to benefit not just I, but also her, and our relationship towards eachother throughout the day. I feel she saw me as less of a bother, as I was awake and eager, and also in an uncharacteristically good mood.
So, off we went on our morning walk. If you have any interest, you can see where we decided to prance around, as I recorded the track with my phone. Quite humorous that I can't get proper cell service on my mobile device, yet it can track my exact position to within 6 feet throughout my 3.3 mile endeavor.
A map of my walk this morning.
So, following that and about a two hour layover between activities, which I spent reading some more, I was off to my newly acquired occupation. I didn't really anticipate helping my uncle again, but upon stopping by, he reaffirmed that he needed my help. I spent the day performing tasks that I can rightfully say I have never done before. It was a pleasant day of learning, although admittedly, it became rather busy at times, and I felt quite the ass standing behind the counter doing nothing. A few periods throughout the day there would be six or more people waiting, but they basically had to come up one by one, as Uncle Jim was the only one of us two who had any real grasp of the occupation in which we were employed. I just rang some stuff out, found a couple parts in the back, and fucked off in the downtime, mainly joking with the customers, all whom seemed very fond of my uncle.
So, from 10:15AM until 2:50PM, I could be found at the Napa store in Warwick. From there, I went to Shoprite just to grab a few things that I may need over the next day or so. My grandmother refuses to shop on Sunday, the proper Christian that she is. I also managed to swing into Rite-Aid to buy myself a pack of forbidden Newports.
As for tomorrow? Maybe another track to post, but most certainly I will be entertaining the idea of going to church not once, but twice. In the morning, and then right back again around 5:00PM. I guess a bit of lunch with my aunt will separate the two inevitable truths that I must encounter. I'm hoping to get a hold of the Whole Foods guy who called me, in hopes that I can set up and interview and hopefully come home. Of course, my only reason for wanting to return to Pennsylvania is to see the woman who holds my heart. It would be so much easier if this new life I'm living involved much more of her, and less of my shitty attempts of filling time. I don't know how I'm going to get to see her. If i had a fucking car I'd be visiting every day after work. The drive isn't bad at all, it's actually quite nice. I've always liked the drive, except for when I was a bit younger and felt like being a little shit.
I'm trying not to dwell on this lonliness, but it's hard. It would be one thing if I was out and about in the area, as I see all kinds of people about my age as I drive through town. Maybe I'll just get dropped off in town and fuck about for a few hours, see who I meet, and try to get properly shitfaced in some bar I've never been before. Only time will tell. But I do promise one thing. I'd trade any amount of fun or adventure just to see her. She's the one for me right now, she's what I've got goin' for me. Without her, I just feel like a useless nitwit. But I'm definitely trying to make it through the struggle. I'm a Pennsylvanian refugee up in New York, and nobody seems to need me back enough to help. Not that I expect it, I just feel a teensy bit forgotten.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder though. In my case, it's a little bit ridiculous, really. I can't sit at night without, honestly, feeling like I want to cry. Oh I know, how sensitive. How can the world possess somebody so sensitive and beautiful as me. Blah blah I know, fuck off. But seriously, this is really fucking terrible. And for some odd reason, I know that as soon as I have her in my arms, all of this useless banter will be meaningless, and I will be happy, and I will be home.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Unsettled..
So I'm basically stuck up here for at least another two days or so (if I'm lucky), and I'm literally losing my mind. I keep having the most ridiculous dreams, and then I wake up all upset, and then realize that I am to be even more upset, because I'm waking up here, with absolutely no comfort in sight.
I love my grandmother, do not get me wrong, but I feel like she thinks she has a role in changing me, like I'm in need of somebody to save me. That is certainly not why I came up here. I only came up here to get away from everything down in PA. And then I have to hear about how I shouldn't smoke, and she guilt trips me by saying that smoking is what killed my grandfather, as if I didn't know. I sincerely hope she doesn't think I'm doing it in spite of her. It's just that this is something that I really don't need right now. Obviously if I needed an escape in the first place, maybe I've gone a bit mental. I would love to just wish everybody to fuck off, but that's not exactly in the cards.
On top of that, I went to help out my uncle at his store today. I did a bit of data entry, but then as I was finishing up a few he gave me, the system that he inputs them into crashed. We could start the program again, but could't get to where I was inputting data. So it just figures that the one time I go to help, the computer ends up being a bastard, making it look like I was at fault. However, I did some research on how to remedy this predicament, and it appears that I am not the only person to encounter such an error message. It actually seems to be quite common. So, before I left, I purged the old data (which takes a few hours) and then left. Hopefully it's working tomorrow, because the program doesn't have a technical support hotline anymore, as it was discontinued. It would be rather shitty if it never worked again, just after I tinkered with it.
In case you were wondering what my life is like at this very moment, I'm sitting here at the laptop, listening to a train go by. And that, everybody, is about it. I can't stand being without my girl anymore. I had a dream that she decided that she was ready, and that we were like, actually dating. Of course I woke up a little disappointed, as I'm still somewhat secret. But whatever, I've been in this situation for awhile now, and I'd rather be a secret than nothing at all. I could go on and on about this, but it wouldn't mean anything or get me anywhere, so there's no reason to bother.
I watched Memento last night. I had actually never see the movie. It was pretty good. Christopher Nolan is a pretty clever fellow. I can't wait to get Inception on DVD. I want to smoke some illegal stuff and watch it. I can only imagine. That movie was a mindfuck in and of itself.
Well, I think I'm going to go face the cold and sit outside for awhile. I'm rightfully dreading my 7:00AM wakeup to go for a walk. It would be fine if it were just a walk. But, I don't really take walks, so I'm going from hardly any walking to waking up earlier than I ever wake up to walk in excess of 2 miles each time. I suppose I could just refuse to go, but I don't want to upset this dynamic anymore than my cigarettes have.
I need somebody to save me. But nobody will. When did I become such a loner in this world. A shame, innit?
I love my grandmother, do not get me wrong, but I feel like she thinks she has a role in changing me, like I'm in need of somebody to save me. That is certainly not why I came up here. I only came up here to get away from everything down in PA. And then I have to hear about how I shouldn't smoke, and she guilt trips me by saying that smoking is what killed my grandfather, as if I didn't know. I sincerely hope she doesn't think I'm doing it in spite of her. It's just that this is something that I really don't need right now. Obviously if I needed an escape in the first place, maybe I've gone a bit mental. I would love to just wish everybody to fuck off, but that's not exactly in the cards.
On top of that, I went to help out my uncle at his store today. I did a bit of data entry, but then as I was finishing up a few he gave me, the system that he inputs them into crashed. We could start the program again, but could't get to where I was inputting data. So it just figures that the one time I go to help, the computer ends up being a bastard, making it look like I was at fault. However, I did some research on how to remedy this predicament, and it appears that I am not the only person to encounter such an error message. It actually seems to be quite common. So, before I left, I purged the old data (which takes a few hours) and then left. Hopefully it's working tomorrow, because the program doesn't have a technical support hotline anymore, as it was discontinued. It would be rather shitty if it never worked again, just after I tinkered with it.
In case you were wondering what my life is like at this very moment, I'm sitting here at the laptop, listening to a train go by. And that, everybody, is about it. I can't stand being without my girl anymore. I had a dream that she decided that she was ready, and that we were like, actually dating. Of course I woke up a little disappointed, as I'm still somewhat secret. But whatever, I've been in this situation for awhile now, and I'd rather be a secret than nothing at all. I could go on and on about this, but it wouldn't mean anything or get me anywhere, so there's no reason to bother.
I watched Memento last night. I had actually never see the movie. It was pretty good. Christopher Nolan is a pretty clever fellow. I can't wait to get Inception on DVD. I want to smoke some illegal stuff and watch it. I can only imagine. That movie was a mindfuck in and of itself.
Well, I think I'm going to go face the cold and sit outside for awhile. I'm rightfully dreading my 7:00AM wakeup to go for a walk. It would be fine if it were just a walk. But, I don't really take walks, so I'm going from hardly any walking to waking up earlier than I ever wake up to walk in excess of 2 miles each time. I suppose I could just refuse to go, but I don't want to upset this dynamic anymore than my cigarettes have.
I need somebody to save me. But nobody will. When did I become such a loner in this world. A shame, innit?
In the Empire State
This entry was typed yesterday, internet crapped out so I couldn't post. Decided to post it as is, without completing.
As usual, I have neglected my blog for the umpteenth time. I will no longer make promises of semifrequent updates, but will instead just try to keep it in memory as something to reach out to during times of extreme boredom and thumb-twiddling.
Early yesterday morning, I parted ways with Brookhaven ("home") for a few days and got dropped off in New York, about an hour upstate from the city or so. Of course, my cellphone doesn't get any reception here, so I rely on my morning walks or daily travels throughout neighboring towns to keep in touch with the world. I do have access to the internet, but it's only available via my grandmother's laptop. I attempted to set it up on my laptop, but the drivers wouldn't install as downloaded and I can't locate the installation CD, which leaves me at her computing device as I relay this information to the world wide web.
The original idea of this vacation was to ease my mind of all the shit that back home entails. While this situation could probably be beneficial, it certainly isn't going exactly the way I hoped. That being said, it's not all that bad, either. The main sting is that the woman who holds my heart is about three hours away, and without any available time to come see me while I eradicate my mind. This makes it extremely difficult to relax, let alone occupy myself with mundane duties and tasks. I just want to hold her in my arms, and that's a desire that cannot be fulfilled at the moment.
However, not all is glum. I purchased Russel Brand's Booky Wooky and intend to read as much as my helter-skelter mind will allow, and then hopefully move on to his new Booky Wooky II. Another small bit of good news is that Whole Foods tried to contact me regarding a job I applied for in the city. I'll be calling them back tomorrow. I would have done so today, but I figured tomorrow would be better due to it being one day closer to my return home.
As usual, I have neglected my blog for the umpteenth time. I will no longer make promises of semifrequent updates, but will instead just try to keep it in memory as something to reach out to during times of extreme boredom and thumb-twiddling.
Early yesterday morning, I parted ways with Brookhaven ("home") for a few days and got dropped off in New York, about an hour upstate from the city or so. Of course, my cellphone doesn't get any reception here, so I rely on my morning walks or daily travels throughout neighboring towns to keep in touch with the world. I do have access to the internet, but it's only available via my grandmother's laptop. I attempted to set it up on my laptop, but the drivers wouldn't install as downloaded and I can't locate the installation CD, which leaves me at her computing device as I relay this information to the world wide web.
The original idea of this vacation was to ease my mind of all the shit that back home entails. While this situation could probably be beneficial, it certainly isn't going exactly the way I hoped. That being said, it's not all that bad, either. The main sting is that the woman who holds my heart is about three hours away, and without any available time to come see me while I eradicate my mind. This makes it extremely difficult to relax, let alone occupy myself with mundane duties and tasks. I just want to hold her in my arms, and that's a desire that cannot be fulfilled at the moment.
However, not all is glum. I purchased Russel Brand's Booky Wooky and intend to read as much as my helter-skelter mind will allow, and then hopefully move on to his new Booky Wooky II. Another small bit of good news is that Whole Foods tried to contact me regarding a job I applied for in the city. I'll be calling them back tomorrow. I would have done so today, but I figured tomorrow would be better due to it being one day closer to my return home.
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