Back on Track

Mike I hope you read this, thanks buddy.

Well, I'm done my pity party for myself. I know the last few posts weren't exactly positive, and I apologize for subjecting all of you beautiful people to any of that. But really, I'm fucking fed up. I'm not sugar coating anything, I'm really just upset. But, tomorrow is another day, so fuck right now.

I like: "Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present." However, I don't consider today to be much of a gift. Unless it's that gift that you act like you're happy about, but secretly hope that you can return it and get something that isn't so shitty. That was today, the gift that I'd love to return or regift.

Talked to my good buddy, he made me laugh, so I've calmed down a little bit. But, he did offer me a piece of advice that I don't know about. I'm not going to just out it on here, but lets just say that it is good advice, but I don't think I'm prepared to take it. And I'd probably regret said decision, if I opted to carry on with it.

Well, it's 2:00 AM just about, and everything has fallen through it seems, naturally. Nothing that's supposed to be any good ever seems to come to fruition as of late. But, Amy texted me a bit concerned and offered to bring me out to lunch or something tomorrow during the day. It's really nice to feel like somebody gives a shit about you. She's always been there, even when we weren't seeing each other much. She's a good friend. Mike is, too, obviously. Without him I might still be googling the best ways to die. Not healthy, I'm aware, but I can't help this feeling, except to distract myself from it.

I am beginning to view life in a different way. I liked to say that it's a lot of adapting to one shit situation after the next, but I have a more enlightened (but perhaps slightly more cynical) view of everything at the moment. Life is just the art of finding the most appropriate distractions. If you don't have any distractions, then what the fuck are you doing? Don't get me wrong, I'm all about love and all of the other cool things life may have to offer, but really it's all about finding the best way to keep your mind at ease, mostly via distraction. I try not to put too much stuff about my personal life on here, because I don't know when certain people will read this or not, but just suffice it to say that I am in need of a distraction. I was hoping for a few things to pan out this weekend, but nothing really did. I spent more time with somebody I didn't even really expect to see than with the one person I actually really wanted to see, and I guess subconsciously needed to see.

It's unfair to place so much dependent happiness on somebody, but I'm working my way back to some semblance of a normal life, it's not that I want to depend on anybody to make me happy, but I need social interaction. I need love. I want love. I want a lot of things, but first and foremost comes on specific thing/person. I don't want to be apart from them, but that seems to be my life at the moment.

On a good note, Ben, Julie, and Joey all liked my set! So that's good. There were a few other people as well I think, I just don't remember.

I'm going to pray that I can sleep right now. I most likely will not be able to, and therefore will opt on a night teeming with Tumblr posts. If you don't see many, then you know that I achieved my prior goal. You can monitor my goal's status here. Lots of posts means I haven't succeeded. I think I've cried enough tonight that sleeping shouldn't be too difficult to come by.

I miss her, is that such a crime? Goodnight loves.