ARGHHHH! What the fuck am I going to do tomorrow? I still haven't confirmed any plans, but I know one thing for certain, and that would be that I need a bit of a break from this. I am aware that I have only been here since Monday, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. I barely feel like I even went home. Besides hanging out with Amy for the better part of one day, and a bit of another day, I didn't do anything worthwhile socially. I'm not a fucking home body. That style of living has been forced upon me due to life being shit at the moment. However, I am extremely positive, I really am. I've had a great improvement in my attitude. I know I still ramble on here and sound all shitty and depressed, and I may be, but I'm certainly in a much better spot than I was about a month or so ago. Hmmm, looks like I have something to write about, other than just meaningless details of my day!
So, as I said, I'm sitting in a much better place right now. I can now picture myself happy, living in a house, with a family (hopefully). Even if I end up being alone, at least I know that I'll be much happier than I have been. I've spent the past couple years just going about everything the wrong way, ignoring things, figuring that they will work themselves out. Unfortunately, I've learned (the very hard way) that the world doesn't work like this. I have a motivation now to make things better. I loved life for a bit, I had everything I wanted, except I still haven't really had much of a real relationship, you know, the kind where you wake up next to somebody you love. Yep, none of that for me, I've had a bit of an absence in that department. But, I have loved, and am completely capable of loving.
I know I'm just being hard on myself when I get down, but in some respect, I should be. I wasn't supposed to end up where I am now. I would have never expected to be in this situation in a million years. I pictured myself dead much before this. I also know that death would be the simplest solution, yet it would certainly be the most selfish act I could commit. I suppose I can tough out these trying times, although I find it silly that by staying alive, I'm only doing so as to not hurt anybody else. I don't feel that living for other people is the healthiest way to live, I mean, it's fine, but you have to want things for yourself. And that's what I've been trying to grasp as of late.
I'm trying to decide what it is that I want for myself. I feel like my desires are fairly basic. Somebody to love, a job, and a roof over my head. I don't find these desires to be abstract, I'm not searching for myself, but I'm searching for the right combination of everything, that's for sure. Everybody has dreams, but I have toned mine down significantly. I know longer want to be some DJ at a club, adored by fans, or some incredibly high paid Wall Street banker. No, I just want a comfortable living with somebody who means the world to me. I don't consider that selling myself short, either. I think that with age, the world just gets much less magical, and eventually 98% of everybody will have to settle. This isn't so much settling, but more the art of being realistic.
However, as everything stands, I'm in a bit of a bind. I have a job, yes, but only up here in New York. This occupation requires me to reside with my grandmother, as I have no other reasonable option. This means that, yes, I have a roof over my head, and yes, I have a job, but I'm not being paid, nor am I with any of my friends or potential significant other. I figured by now, I'd be well on my way to getting engaged, if not already married. But there it goes again. Life gets in the way, and you just have to make adjustments as you go along. Given that I'm nowhere near where I want to be, I'm trying to seek out a medium.
This is where everything gets interesting. I'm not looking to reshape my life right now. I know that I'm not going to just make everything better, get a job, get a place with a girl, or any of that, so I'm seeking a middle ground. I am working on stepping stones, I suppose. My problem is that this seems that these steps are all rather unfavorable. Then I get to thinking, it's entirely feasible to just skip these stones, and go for land. This is when I begin to feel the frustration set in, and I get mad at myself. Unfortunately, I don't handle my anger very well, and I start feeling like I've been left to drown. I think back to how much I used to try to do, and I just feel neglected. I get angry when I realize that I have nobody that I could even stay with, even if it were only for a week. I can't believe that I've gotten to such a point, it just flabbergasts me (yes, I used that word).
So, here I am, sitting all alone up in New York, wishing for something, anything really, to go my way for once. But by this time, I'm so disillusioned by everything this world has to offer, that I know for a fact that nothing really will come along. What happened to the world, was it always so hard? I like to believe that it wasn't at some point, but what the hell do I know? I obviously don't know much, and that's why I'm a 24 year old living with his grandma because he has no friends to stay with nor any other means of support. Family wants him out, friends are gone, or just can't be bothered, and I'm just shipped away as an experiment to see how much "better" I can become. How can one measure if I'm doing any "better" if I'm in a controlled setting? Answer, it can't be done. This also bugs me, because I am very logical, and understand this concept, yet nobody else seems to.
I know that this post doesn't make it sound like I'm in a better state of mind, but I really am. I know that things have the potential to be worked out. I figure that once I figure out my whole license issue, my life will improve about 300%. I wish I had some means of transportation. I think back to all of my friends who couldn't drive, I'd leave work to drive them somewhere, be out for four hours, never ask for gas money, etc. Where is karma? I would love anything positive to come back to me, and hopefully sooner rather than later.
Basically, I just really want to come home. I want to be up here, but not under these conditions. I need to be able to have some semblance of a normal life. Killing eight hours a day on the internet is beyond pathetic, especially when I can't even use it to download anything interesting (though I did download some Sigur Ros tonight, shhhh). I'm just looking for a break, any break. I haven't caught one in a few years, and it would be nice for something good to happen, and then maybe I can have some real faith in life.
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