Funeral

Corey's funeral was today. I thought I'd feel some sense of relief by now, but I don't think it's gotten any easier. I've been so anxious all week, as if this would finally bring my mind at ease. In some ways, it did, but it opened up this feeling of loss and other emotions that I haven't had to deal with in quite some time. Without a "buddy" (aka drugs) it makes emotions all that much more to deal with. Before, I would have dulled myself with something or other, but it's certainly better to deal with the pain than to just mask it.

It was beautiful to see the turnout. Everybody loved Corey so much, and with good reason. He was exceptional, and he will be truly missed. I have tons of stuff to do in the morning, get stuff packed, head to NY, go right to work, so I can't really sit on here and pour my feelings out at the moment, though I'd love to. I will give a more proper update about everything tomorrow when i get situated.

I've had a wonderful awful day. I'm mad at myself like I haven't felt this intensely since... maybe ever. I've never been more unhappy with myself. Seeing everybody today, I just felt like such a fucking under-achiever. I should be somewhere by now, but I'm just lost in the dust. Who is ever going to want to keep me around. I don't have anything good to offer at this point in time, and I'm really sore about it. Anyways, I'm not going to get into my whole self-loathing thing either, I guess I'll just close it up while I haven't stumbled that far yet.

I love you, all of my friends, and I hope some day I can be sitting somewhere nicer, and we can all be together, in all our love for each other. Sleep well everybody.