Today was beautiful. I haven't been able to really appreciate all that life has given back to me. I finally have my path heading in the right direction, and it feels nice to feel again. I will always have a part of me that feels alone, unwanted, feelings that I've somehow failed myself and others. However, by living as well as I can, I have to let these all go.
I've been spending the past year trying to make my happiness through others. I've been trying to gain the approval of those around me, to somehow make me feel fulfilled. I have always been aware that this was not the appropriate means to achieve happiness, but it's all that I really knew. I've spent my life trying to make myself appealing to others. This wasn't all a waste of time, as I've made timeless bonds with many, and I rarely meet somebody that I can't get along with. I have just realized that it is now time to start living for myself.
I'm sure that I've come to this conclusion more than once before, but somehow this is different. I did nothing but smile all day, and enjoy the time that I was given from the moment I woke up until the moment I hit the pillow tonight. I still stand by the view that life is a series of adaptations, but this doesn't have to be viewed so negatively. This gives a bit of variety to the monotony that can come with this life. If every day was the same, would that really be better? You have to have the downs to appreciate just how really remarkable the ups are. I've been through quite a bit over the past few years. I have feelings of entitlement, as I grew accustomed to having the finer things. It's time to grow up now, and to realize that I've dug myself in this for a few years, and things aren't just going to go back to normal right away.
So, I've decided to enjoy this prolonged recovery back into life. I'm going to be positive, and not just spend my days wondering why things aren't how they used to be. I don't think there is anybody on this planet that doesn't wish they could go back in time and change just one thing, or multiple. But, as far as physics and such allow now, time travel really isn't readily available to go make things "perfect". Maybe perfect is living through these things, and to come back around and appreciate all there is, and not just what there was, or may have been.
I'm not saying that I won't be depressed again one day and be blurting my hate of everything on here. I'd love to be able to say that, but that wouldn't be realistic. However, I'm certainly guaranteeing that I will give it all my effort to avoid such a regression. I'm not in a bad place right now. Things are certainly looking up. And although I may not yet be where I want to be, or have what I want to have, I at least have the insight to acknowledge that some day, maybe I will get to that place in my life. And honestly, I don't think it will take long, especially in the grand scheme of things.
I do want to note that I am completely in love at the moment. Unfortunately, the dynamic isn't quite what I was hoping for. I know that the caring is there, but I don't know if that will ever be enough. I don't know if anybody has ever had to wait so eagerly for another person to finally come around. There's either love, and hopes of living side by side, or there isn't. I am very hopeful that there is something I'm missing, but I'm honestly not sure. I've centered my life and my happiness around this whole situation working out for the better, but I have to allow myself to be happy either way. I know beyond a doubt that I would love to be with this person, but I can't make them be with me. It's frustrating, which I won't deny, but if it does work out, then it will be well worth it all. I am trying to do my best to outweigh the positive and negatives, which is difficult, but I'm finding it to be easier if I try to reduce all of the negatives.
There was a feeling that if I had to live without her, I would be miserable until death. Given, I will be rather miserable for some time, I can't say that I won't, but I will heal. I will come around, and I will be stronger. I won't put myself out the same way again. I've realized that being kind, caring, whatever, doesn't mean that a person will want to be with you. I guess you have to find your own way, catch your own ride, and if they want to come with you, they will.
This year will be the year that I finally start to regain some of the ground that I have lost. I'm not going to be put down, or fall back down that slippery slope. There's nothing good down there, just temporary relief through tainted habits. As time goes on, they call out to me much less, and that's a very, very wonderful thing. I'm living life on life's terms.
I'm just a boy, in love with a girl, trying to find my way. Where this road leads, I cannot know. All I know is, that I will ride it, and I will do everything in my power to make sure it's the ride of my life. Because... it is.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I haven't felt this sad in awhile.
Today wasn't really the worst of days. I saw the love of my life briefly, and spoke to her a little bit. I even went to see my sister's basketball game, which was pretty cool..
But now, I'm sitting here, all alone in my room. I tried calling a bunch of people... just to kind of not feel so lonely. I must have called at least 12 people. Nobody answered. Am I really that meaningless of a person that nobody wants to pick up the phone and just have a short conversation with me? Why don't have I have any friends.
I'm just really upset. I've always been there for anybody and everybody, whatever they needed, any time, whatever. I'm not some awesome saint or something, but I like to think that I was a good friend to everybody. Of all the people I have tried to call over the last two days, the only ones I really conversed with were Taylor and Riley, my two really close friends. I lived at their house for a year, for Christ's sake. They answered, talked with me, and it was nice. However, they are all the way out in California. Which brings me to my next point. They have absolutely no reason to even answer my calls. I'm all the way over here, so what do they care really? But no, first time calling, immediate answer, to a warm, welcoming conversation.
I am just sick of this place. I'm sick of not being loved. I'm a very emotional person, and I like to love and to be loved, as lame as that is. I need to feel something, and I can't feel it here. The one girl I love doesn't want to be mine at the moment for her own reasons, and that's all good, I still love her, but this just adds on to my whole self consciousness. It's just that nobody wants to love me. Maybe I try to hard, maybe people don't want to be loved. But I feeel like that's the whole point of life, to find amazing people to experience it with.
I've been quite the loner for a few years now. This can mostly be attributed to my drug use, which is understandable. But now that I'm not bad into that scene anymore, I was hoping to come back to a more inviting world. But the world just seems cold now, and I don't like it. I guess that's what led me to drugs, always feeling like a bit of an outsider. I was always cool, but never really the coolest, the person people wanted to be around/with. That's like, high school talk. Now, I'm trying my best to get my footing, and it's going alright, but it all just feels so much less rewarding without friends. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, though. I know I've lost a few dear friends to accidents, bad decisions, and suicide. I've also lost quite a few to relocation as well. So now, it's just me, everybody's likable acquaintance, but that's about as far as anything goes.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm just incredibly upset right now. But I hope this doesn't come up sounding like a pity party. I'm not trying to do that in the least bit, and that's the truth. I'm just trying to get out some of my anger, sadness, and frustration. The only person that I've been able to confide in tonight was Julie. She has absolutely no reason to give a shit about me at all, but she was there, and that was nice. I miss the good times, with good people, and fun stuff, even if it was just sitting around talking. Always good times, no matter what. But, those times have come and gone.
I'm sure that there are good times to be had, but nobody really wants me in on their established groups, or in their hearts. I'm really not a bad person. I get along with just about everybody. I have a good amount of insight on a decent amount of things, but I guess it just doesn't matter. I'm just completely left out of life at the moment.
And now, as it is, I just want that one person that makes me feel okay. I can't have her now, though, which doesn't help. But it's not her fualt if she doesn't want me, and I have to try so hard not to let it upset me, even though it does somewhat. But if I make it so noticeable, she'll probably want me even less. I'm not trying to lean on her or depend on her, but she makes me feel home. I have no home right now. My family, well I'm on their last nerve, and have been for quite some time.
I just want company. I have nobody that I can call right now that would come and comfort me. It's unfathomable to me that I'm in this situation right now. All I need is a hug, but everybody is either too busy or doesn't care enough. I don't even have a car, but if somebody told me anything like this, or needed me, I'd make it happen. Where's the romance in this world? Where's the love? Where's the friendship? When did everything just turn to nothing? I want back in to life that is beautiful, and that is worth living. I shouldn't want to not wake up in the morning like I do now. I should want to seize the day. And part of me does. But when I try, I realize there's nothing to seize. I'm alone, and I'm fearful that this will be a trending pattern. Maybe if I try to move to California I can be with people who love me, whether one or two people, but that's better than being alone.
I'm so sorry for this rambling post. But I'm crying. I want her so bad. I want to be happy so bad. I want life, the life that I hope to one day have, so bad. But right now, besides when I was going way overboard with everything, life has never seemed so dim. If there's light at the end of the tunnel, I sure don't see it, it must be a hell of a long tunnel. With her, there's no tunnel. With love, there's no tunnel. I wish anybody could feel what I feel for one second, and maybe they'd understand. Maybe they'd come see me, and give me a hug. But the fact, yes fact, that this will not happen tonight leaves me somber, and very discouraged. Why can't I just be loved?
Goodnight, I hope everybody else is hugging somebody tonight. Don't ever forget to tell people you love them. It's the nicest thing in the world to feel. Be nice to your significant other, because one day they may leave you, and you'll be alone like me. Love the one you're with. I wish everybody the best of luck, and maybe one day, things will be okay for me. But that day is not today... but hopefully some day, whenever that light at the end of the tunnel decides to reveal itself.
I'm sorry to anybody that I may have caused pain, suffering, discomfort, anything. I certainly never meant for any of that, and extend my sincerest apologies. I just want to have feelings back, besides the negative ones. I love everybody, I really love a small group of people, and I have the ultimate love for one person. Hopefully I'll get some of that back soon. I know happiness is a possibility, it's not even that difficult to attain. But for me, at this moment, it's completely impossible.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Goodnight.
But now, I'm sitting here, all alone in my room. I tried calling a bunch of people... just to kind of not feel so lonely. I must have called at least 12 people. Nobody answered. Am I really that meaningless of a person that nobody wants to pick up the phone and just have a short conversation with me? Why don't have I have any friends.
I'm just really upset. I've always been there for anybody and everybody, whatever they needed, any time, whatever. I'm not some awesome saint or something, but I like to think that I was a good friend to everybody. Of all the people I have tried to call over the last two days, the only ones I really conversed with were Taylor and Riley, my two really close friends. I lived at their house for a year, for Christ's sake. They answered, talked with me, and it was nice. However, they are all the way out in California. Which brings me to my next point. They have absolutely no reason to even answer my calls. I'm all the way over here, so what do they care really? But no, first time calling, immediate answer, to a warm, welcoming conversation.
I am just sick of this place. I'm sick of not being loved. I'm a very emotional person, and I like to love and to be loved, as lame as that is. I need to feel something, and I can't feel it here. The one girl I love doesn't want to be mine at the moment for her own reasons, and that's all good, I still love her, but this just adds on to my whole self consciousness. It's just that nobody wants to love me. Maybe I try to hard, maybe people don't want to be loved. But I feeel like that's the whole point of life, to find amazing people to experience it with.
I've been quite the loner for a few years now. This can mostly be attributed to my drug use, which is understandable. But now that I'm not bad into that scene anymore, I was hoping to come back to a more inviting world. But the world just seems cold now, and I don't like it. I guess that's what led me to drugs, always feeling like a bit of an outsider. I was always cool, but never really the coolest, the person people wanted to be around/with. That's like, high school talk. Now, I'm trying my best to get my footing, and it's going alright, but it all just feels so much less rewarding without friends. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, though. I know I've lost a few dear friends to accidents, bad decisions, and suicide. I've also lost quite a few to relocation as well. So now, it's just me, everybody's likable acquaintance, but that's about as far as anything goes.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm just incredibly upset right now. But I hope this doesn't come up sounding like a pity party. I'm not trying to do that in the least bit, and that's the truth. I'm just trying to get out some of my anger, sadness, and frustration. The only person that I've been able to confide in tonight was Julie. She has absolutely no reason to give a shit about me at all, but she was there, and that was nice. I miss the good times, with good people, and fun stuff, even if it was just sitting around talking. Always good times, no matter what. But, those times have come and gone.
I'm sure that there are good times to be had, but nobody really wants me in on their established groups, or in their hearts. I'm really not a bad person. I get along with just about everybody. I have a good amount of insight on a decent amount of things, but I guess it just doesn't matter. I'm just completely left out of life at the moment.
And now, as it is, I just want that one person that makes me feel okay. I can't have her now, though, which doesn't help. But it's not her fualt if she doesn't want me, and I have to try so hard not to let it upset me, even though it does somewhat. But if I make it so noticeable, she'll probably want me even less. I'm not trying to lean on her or depend on her, but she makes me feel home. I have no home right now. My family, well I'm on their last nerve, and have been for quite some time.
I just want company. I have nobody that I can call right now that would come and comfort me. It's unfathomable to me that I'm in this situation right now. All I need is a hug, but everybody is either too busy or doesn't care enough. I don't even have a car, but if somebody told me anything like this, or needed me, I'd make it happen. Where's the romance in this world? Where's the love? Where's the friendship? When did everything just turn to nothing? I want back in to life that is beautiful, and that is worth living. I shouldn't want to not wake up in the morning like I do now. I should want to seize the day. And part of me does. But when I try, I realize there's nothing to seize. I'm alone, and I'm fearful that this will be a trending pattern. Maybe if I try to move to California I can be with people who love me, whether one or two people, but that's better than being alone.
I'm so sorry for this rambling post. But I'm crying. I want her so bad. I want to be happy so bad. I want life, the life that I hope to one day have, so bad. But right now, besides when I was going way overboard with everything, life has never seemed so dim. If there's light at the end of the tunnel, I sure don't see it, it must be a hell of a long tunnel. With her, there's no tunnel. With love, there's no tunnel. I wish anybody could feel what I feel for one second, and maybe they'd understand. Maybe they'd come see me, and give me a hug. But the fact, yes fact, that this will not happen tonight leaves me somber, and very discouraged. Why can't I just be loved?
Goodnight, I hope everybody else is hugging somebody tonight. Don't ever forget to tell people you love them. It's the nicest thing in the world to feel. Be nice to your significant other, because one day they may leave you, and you'll be alone like me. Love the one you're with. I wish everybody the best of luck, and maybe one day, things will be okay for me. But that day is not today... but hopefully some day, whenever that light at the end of the tunnel decides to reveal itself.
I'm sorry to anybody that I may have caused pain, suffering, discomfort, anything. I certainly never meant for any of that, and extend my sincerest apologies. I just want to have feelings back, besides the negative ones. I love everybody, I really love a small group of people, and I have the ultimate love for one person. Hopefully I'll get some of that back soon. I know happiness is a possibility, it's not even that difficult to attain. But for me, at this moment, it's completely impossible.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Goodnight.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
i'll keep this one short.
Not much has changed over the past day or so. I went up to Somerset NJ today for EARN+ training for T-Mobile. That was fine, wasn't very long. Then I went to work, drove some phones to King of Prussia, back to work, picked Joey up from Duffers, and now I'm laying in my bed.
A very special person took the first step in a tedious but rewarding series of events today. I look up to her so much, she's a miraculous person. One day, I hope to have her hand.. =/
Anyways, I had a nice busy day so I didn't have time to mope. Before I start to, I'm going to try to go to sleep. Tomorrow's another day. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that she's mine? Doubtful, but without hope, I got nothing.
Goodnight.
A very special person took the first step in a tedious but rewarding series of events today. I look up to her so much, she's a miraculous person. One day, I hope to have her hand.. =/
Anyways, I had a nice busy day so I didn't have time to mope. Before I start to, I'm going to try to go to sleep. Tomorrow's another day. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that she's mine? Doubtful, but without hope, I got nothing.
Goodnight.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Regression
Well, today didn't start out all that bad. Besides not getting to sleep until about 5:45AM and waking up at 8:30ish, the morning went by in a fairly smooth manner. We got a couple phones out, and basically have just been relaxing since then. I downloaded a bunch of apps for my phone, and installed them from my memory card. So, that occupied a good deal of my time.
Then, I was texting back and forth with my hopeful girlfriend of the future. I was made aware that I've been acting a bit strange lately. It's been nice seeing her the past few days, every day. I could really get used to that. But I suppose some of the conversation I was bringing up was a bit ill-timed. I completely agree, and just feel somewhat ridiculous now.
I can't even crack a smile all the sudden. I was going to try and see her tonight, and keep up the trend that has me so happy, but I guess that's not going to happen anymore. I'm a bit embarrassed, and it looks like it's just going to be one of those lonely nights. I'm sitting here at the mall, on my laptop, trying to force myself to care about work for the remaining three hours or so. However, my heart and my mind are certainly elsewhere.
I've been trying a bit excessively to make things work out for the better. I guess I have to let go and just let things happen. But, I thought I was making progress in said situation. Now I feel like all of that progress was lost. I'm just so frustrated with myself. I would do anything to make this happen, and maybe that's my problem. I don't know what I have to do. I'm so hopelessly in love, and my fate is not in my hands at this point. I'm just feeling... I don't know... I guess just lonely. I'm not going to go on and complain about anything, as for the most part, my life hasn't been bad. It's just this one last obstacle to overcome.
I just wish I could smile, but my heart hurts. Chris thinks I'm not talking to him, but I just don't have anything to say. I can't wait for the mall to close so I can just go home and hopefully go right to sleep. I don't feel well..
Goodnight.
Then, I was texting back and forth with my hopeful girlfriend of the future. I was made aware that I've been acting a bit strange lately. It's been nice seeing her the past few days, every day. I could really get used to that. But I suppose some of the conversation I was bringing up was a bit ill-timed. I completely agree, and just feel somewhat ridiculous now.
I can't even crack a smile all the sudden. I was going to try and see her tonight, and keep up the trend that has me so happy, but I guess that's not going to happen anymore. I'm a bit embarrassed, and it looks like it's just going to be one of those lonely nights. I'm sitting here at the mall, on my laptop, trying to force myself to care about work for the remaining three hours or so. However, my heart and my mind are certainly elsewhere.
I've been trying a bit excessively to make things work out for the better. I guess I have to let go and just let things happen. But, I thought I was making progress in said situation. Now I feel like all of that progress was lost. I'm just so frustrated with myself. I would do anything to make this happen, and maybe that's my problem. I don't know what I have to do. I'm so hopelessly in love, and my fate is not in my hands at this point. I'm just feeling... I don't know... I guess just lonely. I'm not going to go on and complain about anything, as for the most part, my life hasn't been bad. It's just this one last obstacle to overcome.
I just wish I could smile, but my heart hurts. Chris thinks I'm not talking to him, but I just don't have anything to say. I can't wait for the mall to close so I can just go home and hopefully go right to sleep. I don't feel well..
Goodnight.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
on this dull, snowy day..
Well, not much is really happening, but something interesting has just happened, so I figured I will just update this old thing a bit.
For starters, I'm finally coming to terms with the idea that the woman who I adore, and would do anything for, is actually far from my reach. I've been telling myself for about a year now that time would put me in a better place with her. When I rarely saw her, I was able to disillusion myself with the idea that she was just busy, and that it wasn't anything personal. However, I'm beginning to come to the realization that I'm not what she wants. I'm not sure if she still wants her ex, if she wants somebody else, or whatever it may be. All that I know is that it sure as hell isn't me.
I knew she was quite the busy person, always doing this or that, but I have to accept reality. No matter how busy somebody is, if they care about you, they will at least make some kind of time for you. I've known this all along, but I refused to accept it. Many of my close female friends have explained this to me, but I would just respond that they didn't know the situation. The truth of the matter is, there is no situation. I thought about this from my point of view. I don't care if I'm working all day, doing all kinds of other stuff while I'm not working, and have basically no time to sleep. If I want to see somebody, I will make that happen. This is also the case for everybody else. Nobody who wants to see somebody they love, and have the means to do so, will opt against that. This became clear to me when she was done work at around 4pm, and I spoke to her on the phone. Knowing that this may be a rare opportunity to see her, I asked what she was doing. She said she was going home to rest of for some reason or another (reasons I'm very familiar with). Given that it was early in the day, it would have been more than easy to just stop by and see me, but this option didn't even seem to cross her mind. In reversed situations, I would have called her as soon as I was done whatever I had to do in the day, and came to her, wherever she was, just to say hi. On top of that, when talking to her yesterday, I said "Well, hopefully I'll see you some day" or something along those lines. This was greeted with a "Yes, some day". Not even a "soon" or anything. This made me realize I'm not even close to being on a list of desire or priority.
This is a painful thing to have to deal with, but at some point I want to hopefully care for somebody who cares about me. As much as she can say that she enjoys my company, it really doesn't mean anything if she's not making any effort at all to be in my company. I'm actually beyond frustrated. I'm pissed off. She's definitely the one for me, I have no doubt in my mind. But, she wants nothing to do with me, and I have refused to believe so. There's a part of me saying otherwise, saying to hold on, and maybe things will get better/different. But, I've been doing this for a year now, and if anything, things are getting much worse. Like I said, if she had any interest, I'd most likely see her for more than an hour every week or two. It just sucks, knowing that I don't mean anything to her. Oh well, story of my fucking life.
I can't make her love me, or even want to see me. I've tried, believe me. I welcome her at any time of the day, in any time of distress, with open arms. She just doesn't want to run to them. For as much as I love this girl, it really hurts. I don't know if I'll ever get married the way things are going. I had hoped to have some sort of potential of a future by now. Looks like I'll be living the lonely life again. Not that I wasn't lonely for basically this whole year anyway. I was considering her my girlfriend, only to find out she didn't consider me anything. I don't even think any of her friends know who I am. I can't even post on her facebook, or be tagged in a photo with her. I should have figured things out then. But, I loved her, and still do. It's just devastating to look like such an idiot. Love makes you do funny things, like give your heart to somebody who has no interest in giving hers. I'm hopeful that she's forgotten about this blog, and I believe she has. She has too much going on to see me, let alone check up on me. I think I'm a memory at this point. I just hope she enjoyed our time together at least 10% as much as I did, because if she did, then it's worthwhile.
Moving on, I'm still loving my job. I'm so happy that I've found something that I enjoy to do, and that I get paid for doing so. I'm finally going to be making a decent amount of money, most likely even more than I did at Delcora, when things were going really well. The guy I will be working with made over 45K there, and it's his first year. I'm really excited to get in on all this potential earning. And on top of that, I love what I'm doing. Going to work isn't dreadful in the least bit. I don't wake up thinking "damn, I have to work today." As a matter of fact, I almost look forward to it. On my days off, I'm left with nothing on the table but boredom. At least at work, I get to be around funny, fun people, and try to make money all day with them.
It was my brother's birthday yesterday, 1-11-11. That's quite a sweet birthday. I tried to call him, but didn't get a response. He did call me back later at night, but I was already asleep. Funny thing is, I'm trying to wish him a happy birthday, and his voicemail just begins with "If you ever want to get a real job, you have to change that song that plays." I guess making $40+K isn't a real job to him. But then again, he hasn't really ever had to pay for anything in his entire life. His school, his apartment, his brand new car to drive a mile to work, or anything. Must be nice. He gets a car so he doesn't have to walk to things in walking distance. Meanwhile, I don't even get help for a car, when I actually need one to drive to work. I wish I was the golden child, instead of the asshole living in the house.
I'm hopefully going to find myself a car and an apartment very soon though. Now that I'm making money again, and not spending it all on dumb shit (like drugs), this should be plausible. I need to get out of my house, but more importantly, I need a car. I need a car not only for getting to work, but also to start having some sort of social life again. I need to make some friends, because I'm beyond lonely. I wish things would start looking up, instead of down again. I really need to find somebody to spend my life with, somebody to call, to love, somebody who wants to be with me at least some times.
But, what sparked this whole update was some good news. I was organizing files on my laptop and on my external hard drives, and found the pictures and the videos of my ex and I, engaged in... well, you know. This basically made my day. I called Joey immediately, because that was the only person I could really think of to tell. I guess its more for me than anybody, but I was just excited and had to give the good news to somebody!
I'm also hopeful to see Jess tonight. She said that maybe around 7pm that we could get together. That would be very nice, as I haven't seen her in probably close to two years. Maybe we can get into some trouble/fun tonight. God knows I need it.
Well... I guess that's it for now. I'm going to try to stop neglecting this blog, but you know how that goes. I've been a bit too miserable and lonely to even bother going on my computer at all. I started updating again a few months back because I had nothing better to do. Not much has changed, besides work, so I still have some decent amount of down time. It's more about the fact that nothing is really happening in my life. All I've been doing is working, and trying to make things work with the girl of my dreams. Unfortunately, I guess that train has come and gone. It's time to start trying to come back into the real world, and finding friends to keep my head up, and hopefully somebody that will love me. That's really all I'm looking for right about now. I've had a rough few years, and now I'm just looking for love. I'm so much happier when I have somebody that makes me happy. I'm just trying to live my life and be happy. The worst part is, if I had her, this would all be settled. There would be no updates on here about misery, and I'd finally be in the right place. I wish that meant something to her, but I'm coming around and realizing that it doesn't.
I would say pray for me, but I'm not exactly a believer in some bearded man in the clouds. So, just hope with me that I can maybe someday be able to manage my misery down to the minimum. I have so much potential, to be a great friend, to go places, to be compassionate. I'm just not in the optimal setting right now. When I find those friends, and when I finally find somebody to love, then I'll be there. I took care of the job part, and am happy with that aspect of my life. Now, it comes to the emotional part. With any luck, I'll be able to figure that out. Let's hope.
For starters, I'm finally coming to terms with the idea that the woman who I adore, and would do anything for, is actually far from my reach. I've been telling myself for about a year now that time would put me in a better place with her. When I rarely saw her, I was able to disillusion myself with the idea that she was just busy, and that it wasn't anything personal. However, I'm beginning to come to the realization that I'm not what she wants. I'm not sure if she still wants her ex, if she wants somebody else, or whatever it may be. All that I know is that it sure as hell isn't me.
I knew she was quite the busy person, always doing this or that, but I have to accept reality. No matter how busy somebody is, if they care about you, they will at least make some kind of time for you. I've known this all along, but I refused to accept it. Many of my close female friends have explained this to me, but I would just respond that they didn't know the situation. The truth of the matter is, there is no situation. I thought about this from my point of view. I don't care if I'm working all day, doing all kinds of other stuff while I'm not working, and have basically no time to sleep. If I want to see somebody, I will make that happen. This is also the case for everybody else. Nobody who wants to see somebody they love, and have the means to do so, will opt against that. This became clear to me when she was done work at around 4pm, and I spoke to her on the phone. Knowing that this may be a rare opportunity to see her, I asked what she was doing. She said she was going home to rest of for some reason or another (reasons I'm very familiar with). Given that it was early in the day, it would have been more than easy to just stop by and see me, but this option didn't even seem to cross her mind. In reversed situations, I would have called her as soon as I was done whatever I had to do in the day, and came to her, wherever she was, just to say hi. On top of that, when talking to her yesterday, I said "Well, hopefully I'll see you some day" or something along those lines. This was greeted with a "Yes, some day". Not even a "soon" or anything. This made me realize I'm not even close to being on a list of desire or priority.
This is a painful thing to have to deal with, but at some point I want to hopefully care for somebody who cares about me. As much as she can say that she enjoys my company, it really doesn't mean anything if she's not making any effort at all to be in my company. I'm actually beyond frustrated. I'm pissed off. She's definitely the one for me, I have no doubt in my mind. But, she wants nothing to do with me, and I have refused to believe so. There's a part of me saying otherwise, saying to hold on, and maybe things will get better/different. But, I've been doing this for a year now, and if anything, things are getting much worse. Like I said, if she had any interest, I'd most likely see her for more than an hour every week or two. It just sucks, knowing that I don't mean anything to her. Oh well, story of my fucking life.
I can't make her love me, or even want to see me. I've tried, believe me. I welcome her at any time of the day, in any time of distress, with open arms. She just doesn't want to run to them. For as much as I love this girl, it really hurts. I don't know if I'll ever get married the way things are going. I had hoped to have some sort of potential of a future by now. Looks like I'll be living the lonely life again. Not that I wasn't lonely for basically this whole year anyway. I was considering her my girlfriend, only to find out she didn't consider me anything. I don't even think any of her friends know who I am. I can't even post on her facebook, or be tagged in a photo with her. I should have figured things out then. But, I loved her, and still do. It's just devastating to look like such an idiot. Love makes you do funny things, like give your heart to somebody who has no interest in giving hers. I'm hopeful that she's forgotten about this blog, and I believe she has. She has too much going on to see me, let alone check up on me. I think I'm a memory at this point. I just hope she enjoyed our time together at least 10% as much as I did, because if she did, then it's worthwhile.
Moving on, I'm still loving my job. I'm so happy that I've found something that I enjoy to do, and that I get paid for doing so. I'm finally going to be making a decent amount of money, most likely even more than I did at Delcora, when things were going really well. The guy I will be working with made over 45K there, and it's his first year. I'm really excited to get in on all this potential earning. And on top of that, I love what I'm doing. Going to work isn't dreadful in the least bit. I don't wake up thinking "damn, I have to work today." As a matter of fact, I almost look forward to it. On my days off, I'm left with nothing on the table but boredom. At least at work, I get to be around funny, fun people, and try to make money all day with them.
It was my brother's birthday yesterday, 1-11-11. That's quite a sweet birthday. I tried to call him, but didn't get a response. He did call me back later at night, but I was already asleep. Funny thing is, I'm trying to wish him a happy birthday, and his voicemail just begins with "If you ever want to get a real job, you have to change that song that plays." I guess making $40+K isn't a real job to him. But then again, he hasn't really ever had to pay for anything in his entire life. His school, his apartment, his brand new car to drive a mile to work, or anything. Must be nice. He gets a car so he doesn't have to walk to things in walking distance. Meanwhile, I don't even get help for a car, when I actually need one to drive to work. I wish I was the golden child, instead of the asshole living in the house.
I'm hopefully going to find myself a car and an apartment very soon though. Now that I'm making money again, and not spending it all on dumb shit (like drugs), this should be plausible. I need to get out of my house, but more importantly, I need a car. I need a car not only for getting to work, but also to start having some sort of social life again. I need to make some friends, because I'm beyond lonely. I wish things would start looking up, instead of down again. I really need to find somebody to spend my life with, somebody to call, to love, somebody who wants to be with me at least some times.
But, what sparked this whole update was some good news. I was organizing files on my laptop and on my external hard drives, and found the pictures and the videos of my ex and I, engaged in... well, you know. This basically made my day. I called Joey immediately, because that was the only person I could really think of to tell. I guess its more for me than anybody, but I was just excited and had to give the good news to somebody!
I'm also hopeful to see Jess tonight. She said that maybe around 7pm that we could get together. That would be very nice, as I haven't seen her in probably close to two years. Maybe we can get into some trouble/fun tonight. God knows I need it.
Well... I guess that's it for now. I'm going to try to stop neglecting this blog, but you know how that goes. I've been a bit too miserable and lonely to even bother going on my computer at all. I started updating again a few months back because I had nothing better to do. Not much has changed, besides work, so I still have some decent amount of down time. It's more about the fact that nothing is really happening in my life. All I've been doing is working, and trying to make things work with the girl of my dreams. Unfortunately, I guess that train has come and gone. It's time to start trying to come back into the real world, and finding friends to keep my head up, and hopefully somebody that will love me. That's really all I'm looking for right about now. I've had a rough few years, and now I'm just looking for love. I'm so much happier when I have somebody that makes me happy. I'm just trying to live my life and be happy. The worst part is, if I had her, this would all be settled. There would be no updates on here about misery, and I'd finally be in the right place. I wish that meant something to her, but I'm coming around and realizing that it doesn't.
I would say pray for me, but I'm not exactly a believer in some bearded man in the clouds. So, just hope with me that I can maybe someday be able to manage my misery down to the minimum. I have so much potential, to be a great friend, to go places, to be compassionate. I'm just not in the optimal setting right now. When I find those friends, and when I finally find somebody to love, then I'll be there. I took care of the job part, and am happy with that aspect of my life. Now, it comes to the emotional part. With any luck, I'll be able to figure that out. Let's hope.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Awake yet again.
I have been having a significantly difficult time sleeping lately. I have so much on my mind. My world is finally coming together a bit, yet it feels like it's all falling apart. I'm just scared to death of the thought that I've been laboring under a misapprehension. I had hoped that once I got my shit together, maybe I stood a chance at the ultimate goal. I'm even starting to think that I was never an option, more like a side project.
I read the quote, "Never allow someone to be your priority while you are just their option." I wish I could live by those words. But I can't. I feel like a fucking idiot, begging for attention. But the sad part is, that really is all that I'm looking for. I'm looking for attention, affection, company, and just basically love. I don't want anything from the person I love, just love. I don't want anybody cooking for me, I don't want anybody cleaning for me, running errand for me, or anything like that. All that I want is somebody to hold every night, somebody to watch TV with, somebody so I can not be so lonely. I'm not good by myself... never really have been. Obviously I've been making it work for the majority of this past year (at least since about summer, when people got too busy, and then I moved to NY for a bit). I'm sick and tired of being alone.
I'm so ashamed to feel so needy, but is that really needy? It's only being in need of affection. I don't need it every minute of every day, but maybe a couple minutes each day wouldn't be bad. I wish I could love somebody who wanted to see me. I don't care how early I have to wake up, what I did all day, if I worked 15 hours, I don't want to go to sleep without seeing that person. That's just the way I am, and the way most of my prior relationships and such worked out. My friends tell me the same thing, leading me to think that I am indeed out of luck in my current situation.
But, like I said, she's the one. I hate to say "the one", but I don't know how else to put it. My heart will never race and my mind will never lose control the way it does when I'm around her.
I'm sorry, this is ridiculous to keep going on about this. But this is what keeps me up at night. This is the reason why people ask me what's bothering me, because I apparently wear my heart on my sleeve. This is why it takes so much more energy to smile. I'm alive, I'm well, but I'm heartbroken. And I heard on the movie I watched today, "You can die from a broken heart, it almost happened to me." I think that's probably about where I'm at. Holding on to life. I've got a solid grip, but without her company, life is fine and all, but it certainly doesn't shimmer as wondrously as I remembered it to.
Work in a few hours, I guess it's time to try and close my eyes yet again. I'll probably dream about her, as has been happening. At least in my dreams I get to see her.. Goodnight.
I read the quote, "Never allow someone to be your priority while you are just their option." I wish I could live by those words. But I can't. I feel like a fucking idiot, begging for attention. But the sad part is, that really is all that I'm looking for. I'm looking for attention, affection, company, and just basically love. I don't want anything from the person I love, just love. I don't want anybody cooking for me, I don't want anybody cleaning for me, running errand for me, or anything like that. All that I want is somebody to hold every night, somebody to watch TV with, somebody so I can not be so lonely. I'm not good by myself... never really have been. Obviously I've been making it work for the majority of this past year (at least since about summer, when people got too busy, and then I moved to NY for a bit). I'm sick and tired of being alone.
I'm so ashamed to feel so needy, but is that really needy? It's only being in need of affection. I don't need it every minute of every day, but maybe a couple minutes each day wouldn't be bad. I wish I could love somebody who wanted to see me. I don't care how early I have to wake up, what I did all day, if I worked 15 hours, I don't want to go to sleep without seeing that person. That's just the way I am, and the way most of my prior relationships and such worked out. My friends tell me the same thing, leading me to think that I am indeed out of luck in my current situation.
But, like I said, she's the one. I hate to say "the one", but I don't know how else to put it. My heart will never race and my mind will never lose control the way it does when I'm around her.
I'm sorry, this is ridiculous to keep going on about this. But this is what keeps me up at night. This is the reason why people ask me what's bothering me, because I apparently wear my heart on my sleeve. This is why it takes so much more energy to smile. I'm alive, I'm well, but I'm heartbroken. And I heard on the movie I watched today, "You can die from a broken heart, it almost happened to me." I think that's probably about where I'm at. Holding on to life. I've got a solid grip, but without her company, life is fine and all, but it certainly doesn't shimmer as wondrously as I remembered it to.
Work in a few hours, I guess it's time to try and close my eyes yet again. I'll probably dream about her, as has been happening. At least in my dreams I get to see her.. Goodnight.
Friday, January 7, 2011
recent happenings.
A bit of an update before I attempt to sleep, since I've been largely neglecting my blogging duties.
I've been a bit busy lately. I'm still working at ECP selling T-Mobile. It's the perfect job for me. I've never held a position anywhere that I didn't mind going to. I actually somewhat look forward to work. I know it's still work, but it's nice to just hang out with the people I work with. Everybody's awesome, and it makes work more than tolerable. I don't have a sense of impending doom before going into work as I did before. It's so nice to be going to work and not feel miserable that I have go. I knew this was possible, but I didn't think I'd luck into such fortune so quickly.
I just spent Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday in Somerset, NJ for training. We had a hotel room for Tuesday and Wednesday nights, which was fun. We went out to NYC on Wednesday night and had fun. We came back to the hotel, and got a whole bunch of food. Also, one of the guys I met up there happened to have some really good kush, and we had some haze, so we were nice and inebriated for the majority of the experience. Got out early on Thursday, drove Michelle home to NE Philly, and then made my way home. It was a decent experience, minus the one thing that didn't happen that I was hoping would. But, things didn't work out, so I tried to make the most of it without receiving the ultimate visit of all visits.
Today, I didn't wake up til about 1:30 PM, which was overly nice. Then, I hung around the house until about 5 PM. My mother and I went to Verizon to switch out her phone, and actually ended up getting an Android phone. I told her it would be a learning process, and much different than her 6 or so year old flip phone without a screen on the front. But, she said that she wanted a nice phone after looking at the basic offerings, so we chose a nice touchscreen Android LG phone, with full 2.2 Android. I just thought it was funny that the Verizon Android phones don't come with Google Maps standard, nor the navigation. However, there is a Verizon Navigator app on the phone, which charges money for the navigation. They just have their hands in your pockets, which is why I prefer T-Mobile, and really, all other service providers over Verizon.
Anyway, enough of that. Just wanted to get that out.
After getting her phone, we picked up my sister from practice, and I hung out with Gina for a bit. Afterwards, Gina and I drove around for a bit, too. I was just finding distractions for myself, as I spend my life doing, pretty much. Which brings me to this:
I'm having a great time for the most part lately. When I have company, it's always a good time. But, the one person who I really want more than anything, is currently sleeping next to somebody else. If it were a female, this would be more than acceptable. However, that is not the case. Actually, I have no idea what goes on in this person's life. I just know that I'm more than in love with her, and I just don't think I'll ever get a chance to show it. So, needless to say, I've been a bit miserable. I don't want to just let her go, but I might be wasting all this time, with no hope in sight. I've been debating endlessly in my head for months... is it better to stay in touch, and hope that something may happen, and be upset when I don't see her, or is it better to let go and be miserable without her. Either way, I'm going to be miserable, unless she does want to start seeing me, so I don't know what to do. I've been going with the first option, but that's because I'm endlessly hopeful. Well, it's not that I'm hopeful, because I don't think I'll ever get to be happy with her, but without hoping for that, I would just be even more miserable. She's the most perfect person in the entire world. She's beyond beautiful, I love spending time with her, I love her stories (though she probably thinks I'm being sarcastic when I tell her that I do), she's extremely intelligent, she's passionate, she's independent (sort of good, but I wish I felt that I could be something she'd need), and she knows what she wants to do, and will do anything to get where she wants to be. However, she has no need for me, and I guess that's what upsets me. I love having somebody to confide in, to love, to share my life with. She either doesn't feel that love is necessary in life, or maybe she just has somebody else to fulfill those needs.
I just really wish she knew how much she meant to me. No matter what I say, what I do, how hard I try, I can't make her love me. I try so hard, and it sucks. I see her maybe once a week if I'm lucky, and there's never a day that I want to pass without seeing her. So, basically, sixth sevenths of the week are spent lonely. I just know that she's the one for me. I don't know if my heart can even love the same after meeting her. The only thing I don't like about her is that she's too busy for me, and when she isn't busy, she doesn't feel the need to see me. If it were up to me, I'd see her every second that I'm not busy. This just isn't the case for her, so I essentially feel undesirable all the time. I know it could be the greatest love ever, but it's all on my end. She says she enjoys my company, but obviously not that much if I only see her for maybe an hour out of every seven days.
I guess I just needed to vent on here. I'm holding up, I'm doing well, but inside I'm miserable and lonely. It's so embarrassing to have so much of my emotional stability reside with one person. But I can't help it, she's everything to me. I just wish I was something to her. I'm not asking to be her world, but I would be more than honored to be at least a part of it.
Oh well, life goes on. I just hope one day I finally get to be happy. And the thing that's killing me is that I know that just simply having her, I'd never have to be unhappy ever again.
Well, here's to another day, and another night, living without the only person I may ever love. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, but I'm thinking it probably won't be. Wish me luck, and maybe some day I will get to hold her hand, and be completely content with this life.
I've been a bit busy lately. I'm still working at ECP selling T-Mobile. It's the perfect job for me. I've never held a position anywhere that I didn't mind going to. I actually somewhat look forward to work. I know it's still work, but it's nice to just hang out with the people I work with. Everybody's awesome, and it makes work more than tolerable. I don't have a sense of impending doom before going into work as I did before. It's so nice to be going to work and not feel miserable that I have go. I knew this was possible, but I didn't think I'd luck into such fortune so quickly.
I just spent Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday in Somerset, NJ for training. We had a hotel room for Tuesday and Wednesday nights, which was fun. We went out to NYC on Wednesday night and had fun. We came back to the hotel, and got a whole bunch of food. Also, one of the guys I met up there happened to have some really good kush, and we had some haze, so we were nice and inebriated for the majority of the experience. Got out early on Thursday, drove Michelle home to NE Philly, and then made my way home. It was a decent experience, minus the one thing that didn't happen that I was hoping would. But, things didn't work out, so I tried to make the most of it without receiving the ultimate visit of all visits.
Today, I didn't wake up til about 1:30 PM, which was overly nice. Then, I hung around the house until about 5 PM. My mother and I went to Verizon to switch out her phone, and actually ended up getting an Android phone. I told her it would be a learning process, and much different than her 6 or so year old flip phone without a screen on the front. But, she said that she wanted a nice phone after looking at the basic offerings, so we chose a nice touchscreen Android LG phone, with full 2.2 Android. I just thought it was funny that the Verizon Android phones don't come with Google Maps standard, nor the navigation. However, there is a Verizon Navigator app on the phone, which charges money for the navigation. They just have their hands in your pockets, which is why I prefer T-Mobile, and really, all other service providers over Verizon.
Anyway, enough of that. Just wanted to get that out.
After getting her phone, we picked up my sister from practice, and I hung out with Gina for a bit. Afterwards, Gina and I drove around for a bit, too. I was just finding distractions for myself, as I spend my life doing, pretty much. Which brings me to this:
I'm having a great time for the most part lately. When I have company, it's always a good time. But, the one person who I really want more than anything, is currently sleeping next to somebody else. If it were a female, this would be more than acceptable. However, that is not the case. Actually, I have no idea what goes on in this person's life. I just know that I'm more than in love with her, and I just don't think I'll ever get a chance to show it. So, needless to say, I've been a bit miserable. I don't want to just let her go, but I might be wasting all this time, with no hope in sight. I've been debating endlessly in my head for months... is it better to stay in touch, and hope that something may happen, and be upset when I don't see her, or is it better to let go and be miserable without her. Either way, I'm going to be miserable, unless she does want to start seeing me, so I don't know what to do. I've been going with the first option, but that's because I'm endlessly hopeful. Well, it's not that I'm hopeful, because I don't think I'll ever get to be happy with her, but without hoping for that, I would just be even more miserable. She's the most perfect person in the entire world. She's beyond beautiful, I love spending time with her, I love her stories (though she probably thinks I'm being sarcastic when I tell her that I do), she's extremely intelligent, she's passionate, she's independent (sort of good, but I wish I felt that I could be something she'd need), and she knows what she wants to do, and will do anything to get where she wants to be. However, she has no need for me, and I guess that's what upsets me. I love having somebody to confide in, to love, to share my life with. She either doesn't feel that love is necessary in life, or maybe she just has somebody else to fulfill those needs.
I just really wish she knew how much she meant to me. No matter what I say, what I do, how hard I try, I can't make her love me. I try so hard, and it sucks. I see her maybe once a week if I'm lucky, and there's never a day that I want to pass without seeing her. So, basically, sixth sevenths of the week are spent lonely. I just know that she's the one for me. I don't know if my heart can even love the same after meeting her. The only thing I don't like about her is that she's too busy for me, and when she isn't busy, she doesn't feel the need to see me. If it were up to me, I'd see her every second that I'm not busy. This just isn't the case for her, so I essentially feel undesirable all the time. I know it could be the greatest love ever, but it's all on my end. She says she enjoys my company, but obviously not that much if I only see her for maybe an hour out of every seven days.
I guess I just needed to vent on here. I'm holding up, I'm doing well, but inside I'm miserable and lonely. It's so embarrassing to have so much of my emotional stability reside with one person. But I can't help it, she's everything to me. I just wish I was something to her. I'm not asking to be her world, but I would be more than honored to be at least a part of it.
Oh well, life goes on. I just hope one day I finally get to be happy. And the thing that's killing me is that I know that just simply having her, I'd never have to be unhappy ever again.
Well, here's to another day, and another night, living without the only person I may ever love. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, but I'm thinking it probably won't be. Wish me luck, and maybe some day I will get to hold her hand, and be completely content with this life.
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