Today wasn't really the worst of days. I saw the love of my life briefly, and spoke to her a little bit. I even went to see my sister's basketball game, which was pretty cool..
But now, I'm sitting here, all alone in my room. I tried calling a bunch of people... just to kind of not feel so lonely. I must have called at least 12 people. Nobody answered. Am I really that meaningless of a person that nobody wants to pick up the phone and just have a short conversation with me? Why don't have I have any friends.
I'm just really upset. I've always been there for anybody and everybody, whatever they needed, any time, whatever. I'm not some awesome saint or something, but I like to think that I was a good friend to everybody. Of all the people I have tried to call over the last two days, the only ones I really conversed with were Taylor and Riley, my two really close friends. I lived at their house for a year, for Christ's sake. They answered, talked with me, and it was nice. However, they are all the way out in California. Which brings me to my next point. They have absolutely no reason to even answer my calls. I'm all the way over here, so what do they care really? But no, first time calling, immediate answer, to a warm, welcoming conversation.
I am just sick of this place. I'm sick of not being loved. I'm a very emotional person, and I like to love and to be loved, as lame as that is. I need to feel something, and I can't feel it here. The one girl I love doesn't want to be mine at the moment for her own reasons, and that's all good, I still love her, but this just adds on to my whole self consciousness. It's just that nobody wants to love me. Maybe I try to hard, maybe people don't want to be loved. But I feeel like that's the whole point of life, to find amazing people to experience it with.
I've been quite the loner for a few years now. This can mostly be attributed to my drug use, which is understandable. But now that I'm not bad into that scene anymore, I was hoping to come back to a more inviting world. But the world just seems cold now, and I don't like it. I guess that's what led me to drugs, always feeling like a bit of an outsider. I was always cool, but never really the coolest, the person people wanted to be around/with. That's like, high school talk. Now, I'm trying my best to get my footing, and it's going alright, but it all just feels so much less rewarding without friends. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, though. I know I've lost a few dear friends to accidents, bad decisions, and suicide. I've also lost quite a few to relocation as well. So now, it's just me, everybody's likable acquaintance, but that's about as far as anything goes.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm just incredibly upset right now. But I hope this doesn't come up sounding like a pity party. I'm not trying to do that in the least bit, and that's the truth. I'm just trying to get out some of my anger, sadness, and frustration. The only person that I've been able to confide in tonight was Julie. She has absolutely no reason to give a shit about me at all, but she was there, and that was nice. I miss the good times, with good people, and fun stuff, even if it was just sitting around talking. Always good times, no matter what. But, those times have come and gone.
I'm sure that there are good times to be had, but nobody really wants me in on their established groups, or in their hearts. I'm really not a bad person. I get along with just about everybody. I have a good amount of insight on a decent amount of things, but I guess it just doesn't matter. I'm just completely left out of life at the moment.
And now, as it is, I just want that one person that makes me feel okay. I can't have her now, though, which doesn't help. But it's not her fualt if she doesn't want me, and I have to try so hard not to let it upset me, even though it does somewhat. But if I make it so noticeable, she'll probably want me even less. I'm not trying to lean on her or depend on her, but she makes me feel home. I have no home right now. My family, well I'm on their last nerve, and have been for quite some time.
I just want company. I have nobody that I can call right now that would come and comfort me. It's unfathomable to me that I'm in this situation right now. All I need is a hug, but everybody is either too busy or doesn't care enough. I don't even have a car, but if somebody told me anything like this, or needed me, I'd make it happen. Where's the romance in this world? Where's the love? Where's the friendship? When did everything just turn to nothing? I want back in to life that is beautiful, and that is worth living. I shouldn't want to not wake up in the morning like I do now. I should want to seize the day. And part of me does. But when I try, I realize there's nothing to seize. I'm alone, and I'm fearful that this will be a trending pattern. Maybe if I try to move to California I can be with people who love me, whether one or two people, but that's better than being alone.
I'm so sorry for this rambling post. But I'm crying. I want her so bad. I want to be happy so bad. I want life, the life that I hope to one day have, so bad. But right now, besides when I was going way overboard with everything, life has never seemed so dim. If there's light at the end of the tunnel, I sure don't see it, it must be a hell of a long tunnel. With her, there's no tunnel. With love, there's no tunnel. I wish anybody could feel what I feel for one second, and maybe they'd understand. Maybe they'd come see me, and give me a hug. But the fact, yes fact, that this will not happen tonight leaves me somber, and very discouraged. Why can't I just be loved?
Goodnight, I hope everybody else is hugging somebody tonight. Don't ever forget to tell people you love them. It's the nicest thing in the world to feel. Be nice to your significant other, because one day they may leave you, and you'll be alone like me. Love the one you're with. I wish everybody the best of luck, and maybe one day, things will be okay for me. But that day is not today... but hopefully some day, whenever that light at the end of the tunnel decides to reveal itself.
I'm sorry to anybody that I may have caused pain, suffering, discomfort, anything. I certainly never meant for any of that, and extend my sincerest apologies. I just want to have feelings back, besides the negative ones. I love everybody, I really love a small group of people, and I have the ultimate love for one person. Hopefully I'll get some of that back soon. I know happiness is a possibility, it's not even that difficult to attain. But for me, at this moment, it's completely impossible.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Goodnight.
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