on this dull, snowy day..

Well, not much is really happening, but something interesting has just happened, so I figured I will just update this old thing a bit.

For starters, I'm finally coming to terms with the idea that the woman who I adore, and would do anything for, is actually far from my reach. I've been telling myself for about a year now that time would put me in a better place with her. When I rarely saw her, I was able to disillusion myself with the idea that she was just busy, and that it wasn't anything personal. However, I'm beginning to come to the realization that I'm not what she wants. I'm not sure if she still wants her ex, if she wants somebody else, or whatever it may be. All that I know is that it sure as hell isn't me.

I knew she was quite the busy person, always doing this or that, but I have to accept reality. No matter how busy somebody is, if they care about you, they will at least make some kind of time for you. I've known this all along, but I refused to accept it. Many of my close female friends have explained this to me, but I would just respond that they didn't know the situation. The truth of the matter is, there is no situation. I thought about this from my point of view. I don't care if I'm working all day, doing all kinds of other stuff while I'm not working, and have basically no time to sleep. If I want to see somebody, I will make that happen. This is also the case for everybody else. Nobody who wants to see somebody they love, and have the means to do so, will opt against that. This became clear to me when she was done work at around 4pm, and I spoke to her on the phone. Knowing that this may be a rare opportunity to see her, I asked what she was doing. She said she was going home to rest of for some reason or another (reasons I'm very familiar with). Given that it was early in the day, it would have been more than easy to just stop by and see me, but this option didn't even seem to cross her mind. In reversed situations, I would have called her as soon as I was done whatever I had to do in the day, and came to her, wherever she was, just to say hi. On top of that, when talking to her yesterday, I said "Well, hopefully I'll see you some day" or something along those lines. This was greeted with a "Yes, some day". Not even a "soon" or anything. This made me realize I'm not even close to being on a list of desire or priority.

This is a painful thing to have to deal with, but at some point I want to hopefully care for somebody who cares about me. As much as she can say that she enjoys my company, it really doesn't mean anything if she's not making any effort at all to be in my company. I'm actually beyond frustrated. I'm pissed off. She's definitely the one for me, I have no doubt in my mind. But, she wants nothing to do with me, and I have refused to believe so. There's a part of me saying otherwise, saying to hold on, and maybe things will get better/different. But, I've been doing this for a year now, and if anything, things are getting much worse. Like I said, if she had any interest, I'd most likely see her for more than an hour every week or two. It just sucks, knowing that I don't mean anything to her. Oh well, story of my fucking life.

I can't make her love me, or even want to see me. I've tried, believe me. I welcome her at any time of the day, in any time of distress, with open arms. She just doesn't want to run to them. For as much as I love this girl, it really hurts. I don't know if I'll ever get married the way things are going. I had hoped to have some sort of potential of a future by now. Looks like I'll be living the lonely life again. Not that I wasn't lonely for basically this whole year anyway. I was considering her my girlfriend, only to find out she didn't consider me anything. I don't even think any of her friends know who I am. I can't even post on her facebook, or be tagged in a photo with her. I should have figured things out then. But, I loved her, and still do. It's just devastating to look like such an idiot. Love makes you do funny things, like give your heart to somebody who has no interest in giving hers. I'm hopeful that she's forgotten about this blog, and I believe she has. She has too much going on to see me, let alone check up on me. I think I'm a memory at this point. I just hope she enjoyed our time together at least 10% as much as I did, because if she did, then it's worthwhile.

Moving on, I'm still loving my job. I'm so happy that I've found something that I enjoy to do, and that I get paid for doing so. I'm finally going to be making a decent amount of money, most likely even more than I did at Delcora, when things were going really well. The guy I will be working with made over 45K there, and it's his first year. I'm really excited to get in on all this potential earning. And on top of that, I love what I'm doing. Going to work isn't dreadful in the least bit. I don't wake up thinking "damn, I have to work today." As a matter of fact, I almost look forward to it. On my days off, I'm left with nothing on the table but boredom. At least at work, I get to be around funny, fun people, and try to make money all day with them.

It was my brother's birthday yesterday, 1-11-11. That's quite a sweet birthday. I tried to call him, but didn't get a response. He did call me back later at night, but I was already asleep. Funny thing is, I'm trying to wish him a happy birthday, and his voicemail just begins with "If you ever want to get a real job, you have to change that song that plays." I guess making $40+K isn't a real job to him. But then again, he hasn't really ever had to pay for anything in his entire life. His school, his apartment, his brand new car to drive a mile to work, or anything. Must be nice. He gets a car so he doesn't have to walk to things in walking distance. Meanwhile, I don't even get help for a car, when I actually need one to drive to work. I wish I was the golden child, instead of the asshole living in the house.

I'm hopefully going to find myself a car and an apartment very soon though. Now that I'm making money again, and not spending it all on dumb shit (like drugs), this should be plausible. I need to get out of my house, but more importantly, I need a car. I need a car not only for getting to work, but also to start having some sort of social life again. I need to make some friends, because I'm beyond lonely. I wish things would start looking up, instead of down again. I really need to find somebody to spend my life with, somebody to call, to love, somebody who wants to be with me at least some times.

But, what sparked this whole update was some good news. I was organizing files on my laptop and on my external hard drives, and found the pictures and the videos of my ex and I, engaged in... well, you know. This basically made my day. I called Joey immediately, because that was the only person I could really think of to tell. I guess its more for me than anybody, but I was just excited and had to give the good news to somebody!

I'm also hopeful to see Jess tonight. She said that maybe around 7pm that we could get together. That would be very nice, as I haven't seen her in probably close to two years. Maybe we can get into some trouble/fun tonight. God knows I need it.

Well... I guess that's it for now. I'm going to try to stop neglecting this blog, but you know how that goes. I've been a bit too miserable and lonely to even bother going on my computer at all. I started updating again a few months back because I had nothing better to do. Not much has changed, besides work, so I still have some decent amount of down time. It's more about the fact that nothing is really happening in my life. All I've been doing is working, and trying to make things work with the girl of my dreams. Unfortunately, I guess that train has come and gone. It's time to start trying to come back into the real world, and finding friends to keep my head up, and hopefully somebody that will love me. That's really all I'm looking for right about now. I've had a rough few years, and now I'm just looking for love. I'm so much happier when I have somebody that makes me happy. I'm just trying to live my life and be happy. The worst part is, if I had her, this would all be settled. There would be no updates on here about misery, and I'd finally be in the right place. I wish that meant something to her, but I'm coming around and realizing that it doesn't.

I would say pray for me, but I'm not exactly a believer in some bearded man in the clouds. So, just hope with me that I can maybe someday be able to manage my misery down to the minimum. I have so much potential, to be a great friend, to go places, to be compassionate. I'm just not in the optimal setting right now. When I find those friends, and when I finally find somebody to love, then I'll be there. I took care of the job part, and am happy with that aspect of my life. Now, it comes to the emotional part. With any luck, I'll be able to figure that out. Let's hope.