recent happenings.

A bit of an update before I attempt to sleep, since I've been largely neglecting my blogging duties.

I've been a bit busy lately. I'm still working at ECP selling T-Mobile. It's the perfect job for me. I've never held a position anywhere that I didn't mind going to. I actually somewhat look forward to work. I know it's still work, but it's nice to just hang out with the people I work with. Everybody's awesome, and it makes work more than tolerable. I don't have a sense of impending doom before going into work as I did before. It's so nice to be going to work and not feel miserable that I have go. I knew this was possible, but I didn't think I'd luck into such fortune so quickly.

I just spent Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday in Somerset, NJ for training. We had a hotel room for Tuesday and Wednesday nights, which was fun. We went out to NYC on Wednesday night and had fun. We came back to the hotel, and got a whole bunch of food. Also, one of the guys I met up there happened to have some really good kush, and we had some haze, so we were nice and inebriated for the majority of the experience. Got out early on Thursday, drove Michelle home to NE Philly, and then made my way home. It was a decent experience, minus the one thing that didn't happen that I was hoping would. But, things didn't work out, so I tried to make the most of it without receiving the ultimate visit of all visits.

Today, I didn't wake up til about 1:30 PM, which was overly nice. Then, I hung around the house until about 5 PM. My mother and I went to Verizon to switch out her phone, and actually ended up getting an Android phone. I told her it would be a learning process, and much different than her 6 or so year old flip phone without a screen on the front. But, she said that she wanted a nice phone after looking at the basic offerings, so we chose a nice touchscreen Android LG phone, with full 2.2 Android. I just thought it was funny that the Verizon Android phones don't come with Google Maps standard, nor the navigation. However, there is a Verizon Navigator app on the phone, which charges money for the navigation. They just have their hands in your pockets, which is why I prefer T-Mobile, and really, all other service providers over Verizon.

Anyway, enough of that. Just wanted to get that out.

After getting her phone, we picked up my sister from practice, and I hung out with Gina for a bit. Afterwards, Gina and I drove around for a bit, too. I was just finding distractions for myself, as I spend my life doing, pretty much. Which brings me to this:

I'm having a great time for the most part lately. When I have company, it's always a good time. But, the one person who I really want more than anything, is currently sleeping next to somebody else. If it were a female, this would be more than acceptable. However, that is not the case. Actually, I have no idea what goes on in this person's life. I just know that I'm more than in love with her, and I just don't think I'll ever get a chance to show it. So, needless to say, I've been a bit miserable. I don't want to just let her go, but I might be wasting all this time, with no hope in sight. I've been debating endlessly in my head for months... is it better to stay in touch, and hope that something may happen, and be upset when I don't see her, or is it better to let go and be miserable without her. Either way, I'm going to be miserable, unless she does want to start seeing me, so I don't know what to do. I've been going with the first option, but that's because I'm endlessly hopeful. Well, it's not that I'm hopeful, because I don't think I'll ever get to be happy with her, but without hoping for that, I would just be even more miserable. She's the most perfect person in the entire world. She's beyond beautiful, I love spending time with her, I love her stories (though she probably thinks I'm being sarcastic when I tell her that I do), she's extremely intelligent, she's passionate, she's independent (sort of good, but I wish I felt that I could be something she'd need), and she knows what she wants to do, and will do anything to get where she wants to be. However, she has no need for me, and I guess that's what upsets me. I love having somebody to confide in, to love, to share my life with. She either doesn't feel that love is necessary in life, or maybe she just has somebody else to fulfill those needs.

I just really wish she knew how much she meant to me. No matter what I say, what I do, how hard I try, I can't make her love me. I try so hard, and it sucks. I see her maybe once a week if I'm lucky, and there's never a day that I want to pass without seeing her. So, basically, sixth sevenths of the week are spent lonely. I just know that she's the one for me. I don't know if my heart can even love the same after meeting her. The only thing I don't like about her is that she's too busy for me, and when she isn't busy, she doesn't feel the need to see me. If it were up to me, I'd see her every second that I'm not busy. This just isn't the case for her, so I essentially feel undesirable all the time. I know it could be the greatest love ever, but it's all on my end. She says she enjoys my company, but obviously not that much if I only see her for maybe an hour out of every seven days.

I guess I just needed to vent on here. I'm holding up, I'm doing well, but inside I'm miserable and lonely. It's so embarrassing to have so much of my emotional stability reside with one person. But I can't help it, she's everything to me. I just wish I was something to her. I'm not asking to be her world, but I would be more than honored to be at least a part of it.

Oh well, life goes on. I just hope one day I finally get to be happy. And the thing that's killing me is that I know that just simply having her, I'd never have to be unhappy ever again.

Well, here's to another day, and another night, living without the only person I may ever love. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, but I'm thinking it probably won't be. Wish me luck, and maybe some day I will get to hold her hand, and be completely content with this life.