Sort of a snow day.

Today was beautiful. I haven't been able to really appreciate all that life has given back to me. I finally have my path heading in the right direction, and it feels nice to feel again. I will always have a part of me that feels alone, unwanted, feelings that I've somehow failed myself and others. However, by living as well as I can, I have to let these all go.

I've been spending the past year trying to make my happiness through others. I've been trying to gain the approval of those around me, to somehow make me feel fulfilled. I have always been aware that this was not the appropriate means to achieve happiness, but it's all that I really knew. I've spent my life trying to make myself appealing to others. This wasn't all a waste of time, as I've made timeless bonds with many, and I rarely meet somebody that I can't get along with. I have just realized that it is now time to start living for myself.

I'm sure that I've come to this conclusion more than once before, but somehow this is different. I did nothing but smile all day, and enjoy the time that I was given from the moment I woke up until the moment I hit the pillow tonight. I still stand by the view that life is a series of adaptations, but this doesn't have to be viewed so negatively. This gives a bit of variety to the monotony that can come with this life. If every day was the same, would that really be better? You have to have the downs to appreciate just how really remarkable the ups are. I've been through quite a bit over the past few years. I have feelings of entitlement, as I grew accustomed to having the finer things. It's time to grow up now, and to realize that I've dug myself in this for a few years, and things aren't just going to go back to normal right away.

So, I've decided to enjoy this prolonged recovery back into life. I'm going to be positive, and not just spend my days wondering why things aren't how they used to be. I don't think there is anybody on this planet that doesn't wish they could go back in time and change just one thing, or multiple. But, as far as physics and such allow now, time travel really isn't readily available to go make things "perfect". Maybe perfect is living through these things, and to come back around and appreciate all there is, and not just what there was, or may have been.

I'm not saying that I won't be depressed again one day and be blurting my hate of everything on here. I'd love to be able to say that, but that wouldn't be realistic. However, I'm certainly guaranteeing that I will give it all my effort to avoid such a regression. I'm not in a bad place right now. Things are certainly looking up. And although I may not yet be where I want to be, or have what I want to have, I at least have the insight to acknowledge that some day, maybe I will get to that place in my life. And honestly, I don't think it will take long, especially in the grand scheme of things.

I do want to note that I am completely in love at the moment. Unfortunately, the dynamic isn't quite what I was hoping for. I know that the caring is there, but I don't know if that will ever be enough. I don't know if anybody has ever had to wait so eagerly for another person to finally come around. There's either love, and hopes of living side by side, or there isn't. I am very hopeful that there is something I'm missing, but I'm honestly not sure. I've centered my life and my happiness around this whole situation working out for the better, but I have to allow myself to be happy either way. I know beyond a doubt that I would love to be with this person, but I can't make them be with me. It's frustrating, which I won't deny, but if it does work out, then it will be well worth it all. I am trying to do my best to outweigh the positive and negatives, which is difficult, but I'm finding it to be easier if I try to reduce all of the negatives.

There was a feeling that if I had to live without her, I would be miserable until death. Given, I will be rather miserable for some time, I can't say that I won't, but I will heal. I will come around, and I will be stronger. I won't put myself out the same way again. I've realized that being kind, caring, whatever, doesn't mean that a person will want to be with you. I guess you have to find your own way, catch your own ride, and if they want to come with you, they will.

This year will be the year that I finally start to regain some of the ground that I have lost. I'm not going to be put down, or fall back down that slippery slope. There's nothing good down there, just temporary relief through tainted habits. As time goes on, they call out to me much less, and that's a very, very wonderful thing. I'm living life on life's terms.

I'm just a boy, in love with a girl, trying to find my way. Where this road leads, I cannot know. All I know is, that I will ride it, and I will do everything in my power to make sure it's the ride of my life. Because... it is.