at work..

I've been trying my best to get back to my positive attitude that I was gifted by some divine intervention for a few days. Yesterday wasn't all too bad. In all honesty, today isn't exactly the worst either. There's just the same things that are bothering me, and I don't know how to shake them.

Most of this sudden unhappiness can probably be attributed to my anxiety, and my lack of patience. I feel like I've been patient, I really do. I haven't really caught a break for a few years now. How long do I have to be patient for before I get some form of relief. Said relief could be distributed in many forms. Perhaps a person to live with, a couple new friends perhaps, or ultimately, finding somebody to spend some real quality time with. I've never been good at being alone. And, much to my dismay, I find myself constantly without any sort of company. Even now, at work, due to my partner's girlfriend having a baby, I'm all alone at work, and have been here for over three hours. I can't even go get myself a drink... or food... because our front gate to the store just decided to not function anymore as it got halfway open upon my arrival.

So, nothing new about the loneliness I guess. I hate that I come to this to complain so often, but really... who/what else do I have to talk to? I have perhaps the most fairweather friends known to man. With basically everybody, it's feast or famine. I'll either see them a lot, or not at all. I guess I only have myself to blame. I'm no fun anymore, I'm just a miserable lump of 24 year old meat.

That brings me on to my next bothersome issue. I was doing pretty well in the self esteem department, even throughout the bad times. But now, I'm really starting to come back on all of that. I haven't been able to secure really any friends (as in the kind you see multiple times a week, even), and I can't seem to find any sort of relationship at the moment. I'm living at home because I have nobody that would want to live with me. I'm just... I'm a bum. Having a nice job and everything is good, but I have nobody to share anything with. If something funny happens, or anything interesting, I really have nobody to tell. That's fairly embarrassing, and I feel myself falling into an even more ominous state of self-loathing.

There was a bit of good news, though I'm sure nothing will come of it. I spoke to Lauren last night on the phone, and she was saying that she might want to move back to Philly from Florida. I told her that I'd be here, and we can make things work up this way. I always got along well with her. Maybe there could even be some sort of potential there, as we were pretty close for awhile. That would be a godsend. I just want somebody so bad. And if you can't be with the one that you love, love the one you're with. I have a bad feeling that this will be the story of my life, since I don't see myself, especially in this state, having any chance with the one that I actually do love. It's taken this long, and I haven't really made any progress at all. If anything, I would say that I've made negative progress. I feel like the spark is gone on her end. I still have the same, if not even more, feelings for her. But, I don't know if it's just me, if it's how I'm going about it, or what, but she just doesn't want me. This is the biggest dagger to the heart that's dragging me down.

I don't want to go partying anymore. I want to be settled, and happy, and I just don't think I have anything to offer anybody at this point. I feel like I've exhausted all my resources of the heart, and it's just so hard to even trudge along day by day. My heart belongs to somebody else, but it's not really wanted in that aspect. I've always been the friend to basically every girl I've ever wanted. I was hoping that by this age, maybe I'd not be in the same situation that I've lived all of the previous years in.

I have a bad feeling most of this post didn't really have any certain direction, and didn't really get anything across correctly. That could be due to the fact that I didn't sleep even for a minute last night. I was upset, and I just was in my bed for a few hours, unable to sleep, until I started watching Californication. I really hate it when I'm too upset to sleep. It makes for the most miserable night.

I know what I have to do to maybe cheer myself up a little. I am first going to figure out what car I'm going to buy. That's not too hard. But then I need to find a place. That's the hard part. I don't want to live alone, but I can't live at my house, because that's beyond lame. I want to find some people that I can just hang out with, relax, and enjoy eachother's company. That shouldn't be all that difficult. And really, I just want to be in love. I keep having dreams in which I have the girl, and everything is wonderful. Then I wake up spooning with my body pillow.

This post was absolutely stupid. I sound like a fucking moron, but I'm going to post it anyway so I can laugh at myself at a later date. I just want to be loved. Why am I unloveable?

I kinda just want to cry right now... that's so lame. So I won't, I'll just make it through work, and then go home and do nothing like usual. And then do the same thing tomorrow. Things have to get better someday. Somebody will want me someday. I wish it was the person I want, but I'll settle for second best at this point. I'm getting antsy. Peace.