Before I Start Something.

I am just about to start writing something for Drexel, but I decided to be a proper lad and give this old thing an update before doing so.

What am I doing at the moment, you may ask? I'm jamming out to Michael Cassette, looking up some details for a proposed trip to Miami on the 24th, and am sitting in my computer chair, wrapped in a blanket, in the dark. I haven't left my house today, yet again. It's quite a sad tale, this life I live. Fortunately for me, I am fully aware of the potential in the coming months, years, however long. It's just, at this time, I have a suspended license. Therefore, I am unable to go do anything. And, unfortunately, I have nobody around here that gives even a partial shit about me. Besides for work, I have no left my house once, or even had anybody stop by, even just to say hello. This makes me feel just a little unimportant. I mean, obviously I'm meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but I thought ("thought") I had at least a couple people close enough to me to give a shit of some sort.

But, life has taken an interesting turn. It now seems that the only friends I have are in places that are nowhere near here. It was only about two weeks ago maybe that I thought that I had a few people in my life. Then, all of this past week went by, and now I have nobody, nothing. This is fine, it just sucks right here, right now. I don't want to be sitting here, doing nothing. I've done plenty of that for, literally, the entire week. I was hoping on one certain thing maybe coming through, but alas, that has not happened. So, I obviously have come to grips with the idea that I can't depend on anything to make me happy, I just have to do that for myself.

Now, as previously stated, I do know that things will improve. I will eventually find somebody that wants to be my girl, I will eventually have friends that aren't so fickle and boring. Actually, I do have that, but they aren't anywhere close. Once I get my license back in about ten days, I envision myself going back to my old ways. I will be up in the NYC area every day that I don't have to work, as I will be getting a car hopefully around the first week of March or so. It's hilarious that I have no quips about driving two or three hours to see people I care about, but I don't know anybody that will even drive twenty minutes to see me.

I can't be mad at anybody. It's not their problem. I am completely aware of that. It's just a big disappointment, you know? When you realize that you never really had anything that you though you did.

Anyways, I have to write a personal statement regarding my absence from two complete terms at Drexel. This all took place following the suicide of one of my friends that I grew up with. I basically lost all focus, and just went heavier into drugs. Of course, this was only one suicide, and I'm not talking about the prior deaths of two friends that occurred only maybe a year earlier. I believe this was also when I was transitioning back to my house, after my mother had her car accident. It was a very hectic time, and then I lost my great job, and everything just kind of went to shit after that.

So, putting things in perspective, things are much better now. At least I'm not spending a couple hundred dollars on drugs every day. Which is why I find it incredible that one of my friends would start calling me a drug addict just because he was angry with me about something. I have no need to get into that story, but that's the kind of people I'm dealing with around here. That, and of course the people that only want to see me when they need something, or when it is convenient for them. I just don't see why people are like they are. I guess I'm too much of a softy or something. I'm always there for people, whether they need me or not. I'm not claiming to be some great guy, but I just think that's how people should be. I know I'd feel 100% better if I could at least have one person come by to see how I'm doing. It's such a simple task, yet nobody deems it necessary in my case.

I guess that was my little rant for the night. I'm just looking for ways to kill time until the morning. "The Kids Are All Right" was wonderful to watch at 4:30 AM when I couldn't sleep. I did actually manage to fall asleep for about 3 hours, until I was woken up by a customer, who I gave my number to in case they had any questions about their phone. Who does that? Not the store number, my personal number. Oh well, I'll help when I can.

I'm going to get to Drexel hopefully early tomorrow. I'm just realizing as I type this that tomorrow is valentine's day. What a shitty day. The only person that I want to be my valentine, well, she doesn't want to be mine. And I haven't even seen her for awhile now. I'm a bit worried that whatever we could have had might be lost as far as she's concerned. But, I know how I feel, and I know that I love her, and that's just about all that I can do. Can't make somebody love you. Believe me, I've been trying for about a year now. And I've tried in the past. It's the most futile thing.

Oh yea, and that brings me to another point. I was updating my OkCupid account, and the question came up "Do you think that doomed, impossible love is either: A) Romantic B) Foolish C)Creepy". Of course, I went with "Romantic", but I also specified that it is also foolish. I believe I said "Love should never be doomed or impossible. In a perfect world, this would not be an issue" or something of that likeness. One day, somebody will be very happy with me, I just have to be given the chance, that's all.

I'm hoping I can go to sleep after I write this statement. I don't really have the patience to watch another movie at the moment, especially since I'm feeling extremely shitty. But like I said, I know this will pass. I just wish I didn't have to suffer like this right now. Especially when there is a simple cure. I guess it's not so simple after all, people have to like you first.

Goodnight :)