It appears that security on this blog has been breached, so I will no longer be updating anything on here. I will most likely create another one but it will be an invite only kind of deal. I'm not going to post the link or anything, because then obviously it could be found again by an audience that it was not intended for.
If you are just an interested reader, feel free to contact me through twitter @msonsalla or find me on facebook and I can give you the new URL.
It was fun while it lasted. Wish me luck. Today isn't a good day.
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You can also email me at sonsalla@gmail.com if you want the new link.
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Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Another day, nothing changed.
I may have calmed down a little bit last night, I'm not feeling quite as emotional, but I'm still pretty convinced of what I have to do. I've been debating what to actually do about it, though. I don't know where I should be, or what. I don't want somebody to find me really, but I can really just disappear. I mean, I guess I could, but I don't really know where I would go. Maybe a motel room would be suitable... I don't really know, but that's what I was just thinking a few minutes ago.
I don't want to take either of my parent's cars and have to be found there, I'd rather just get myself a room somewhere and just take care of it. The amount of consideration I'm putting into the planning is what reaffirms in my mind that I'm actually going to go through with this. I got an email from somebody I don't know, trying to tell me that things will get better, and I really appreciate the gesture. Unfortunately, I just honestly feel otherwise. I can picture an ideal living situation, but no part of that vision is even close to being able to be obtained. I thought I was within reach of one of the conditions, but now that's not going to happen either. I thought when you were down, you had nowhere to go but up. The fact that I'm still managing to go further and further down is a gig deterrent to extending my time on this planet. And not one thing will go my way. I've tried waiting, I've sort of tried trying, but I guess I am not eligible for even the slightest bit of contentment.
I already regret never finding the one, or possibly finding her and fucking it up and not making her mine. I regret not having kids with said person. I regret not finishing school. I regret hurting anybody and everybody I ever hurt. I guess when I really start to think about it, I realize that the past few years have just been awful, and even though things may be a bit better than they were, it feels even worse.e Going from where I was to where I am not is a curse. I will never get that time back. I'll never be young and be happy and have all sorts of money, friends, and girls to hang out with. And I feel awful about what I have to do, but I just want it to be known that its what I wanted.
I'll keep this up to date over the next few days, and I'll make sure to leave it available and not delete it beforehand. I guess this could show what was going on. I don't want anybody to feel at fault. Things just happened as they did, and things are what they are. I'm tired of being alone. Even now, I still haven't seen a single familiar face. It's going on weeks now. I have no friends, so I guess I just feel bad about doing this to my family. I'll write a good letter/note so hopefully they will understand.
I'm guessing overdose is probably the best way to go, I'm just not sure how much that will take. I guess I'll find out one way or another. I'll be around for the next couple days with any other news. Take care everybody, hope you're enjoying life. I know it's possible, just not for me.
I don't want to take either of my parent's cars and have to be found there, I'd rather just get myself a room somewhere and just take care of it. The amount of consideration I'm putting into the planning is what reaffirms in my mind that I'm actually going to go through with this. I got an email from somebody I don't know, trying to tell me that things will get better, and I really appreciate the gesture. Unfortunately, I just honestly feel otherwise. I can picture an ideal living situation, but no part of that vision is even close to being able to be obtained. I thought I was within reach of one of the conditions, but now that's not going to happen either. I thought when you were down, you had nowhere to go but up. The fact that I'm still managing to go further and further down is a gig deterrent to extending my time on this planet. And not one thing will go my way. I've tried waiting, I've sort of tried trying, but I guess I am not eligible for even the slightest bit of contentment.
I already regret never finding the one, or possibly finding her and fucking it up and not making her mine. I regret not having kids with said person. I regret not finishing school. I regret hurting anybody and everybody I ever hurt. I guess when I really start to think about it, I realize that the past few years have just been awful, and even though things may be a bit better than they were, it feels even worse.e Going from where I was to where I am not is a curse. I will never get that time back. I'll never be young and be happy and have all sorts of money, friends, and girls to hang out with. And I feel awful about what I have to do, but I just want it to be known that its what I wanted.
I'll keep this up to date over the next few days, and I'll make sure to leave it available and not delete it beforehand. I guess this could show what was going on. I don't want anybody to feel at fault. Things just happened as they did, and things are what they are. I'm tired of being alone. Even now, I still haven't seen a single familiar face. It's going on weeks now. I have no friends, so I guess I just feel bad about doing this to my family. I'll write a good letter/note so hopefully they will understand.
I'm guessing overdose is probably the best way to go, I'm just not sure how much that will take. I guess I'll find out one way or another. I'll be around for the next couple days with any other news. Take care everybody, hope you're enjoying life. I know it's possible, just not for me.
done.
Yea, so I'm just not sure that I can handle any of this anymore. I can't get anything to work out, and I know I can try harder, but I just don't see myself catching a break either way. I'm kind of scared, to be honest. But I really don't think that I can keep this up. I'm tired of being lonely all the time, I'm fed up with the position that I'm in (even though I'm aware that most of it was self induced). At one time, I had it all. I was happy. It wasn't too long ago, but long enough that it seems impossible to me now that I could have ever had it so good. Now, I'm just a loner who doesn't even really enjoy things anymore. Things that are supposed to be fun sound more like a chore nowadays. I don't want to go right to sleep after work, because it makes me feel boring, but I don't want to go do anything either. I can't win.
I keep reviewing options in my head... I don't want to just quit, but I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I thought I saw it not all that long ago, but I guess I was mistaken. This is nobody's fault but my own. I don't know why I place more value on certain things over other ones. I wish I didn't have to seek out happiness through friendship and companionship. But it's very easy to say that it's not healthy to do so when you have friends. I'm at such an odd point of my life right now. I never thought I'd be so starved for attention. I always had people around me. Now, I mostly get ignored. I've lost my touch with people, maybe. I have nothing worthwhile to offer anybody. I remember when just plain, simple company was enough.
And just to clarify, there are many more reasons that are behind this as well. One of them being that I don't think I'll ever be able to live a lifestyle to my liking based on my money situation. I was born to a modest family, and it took me awhile to accept that. All of my friends seemed to have a nicer house, or whatever. So, when I started making money, I spent it frivolously. I miss the days where I used to have a decent amount of money. I don't make close to what I grew accustomed to. I realize this can be changed over time, but right now it's bothering me. My paychecks are still not what they should be, and it would be very difficult for me to get a place on my own and pay for a car, let alone everything else. I guess in a few months this could change, but I'm pretty sure my parents want me out of the house in the next couple weeks (maybe even the end of next week). I don't have the means to make this happen, and I have no friends to speak of to help me out for a little while. I have nobody to live with so I could split rent with somebody. Basically, I have no way of getting anywhere at this current moment in time. So, rather than be homeless or something, I'd rather just, well, you know, quit.
I regret not doing certain things throughout my life. I wish I would have traveled more. I wish I would have found love and held on to it. I wish I would've finished school on time. But then again, had any of those things happened, I probably wouldn't be in this position today. I might be married by now, who knows, maybe even have a kid! That's how I envisioned myself by around this age. Instead, I'm a fucking loser. No girl, no car, no place, no friends, no life. I have just recently begun to truly resent myself, whereas before I was just a bit frustrated. Now I can't stand myself. I want to punch myself in the face.
Instead, I'll just try to figure out a more peaceful alternative. I have nowhere left to turn. I want things to be better so badly. Even for just one thing to fall into place, give me some faith that maybe it is worth the fight. But right now, from where I'm standing, it's definitely not worth it. I've been miserable for far too long.
I'm actually a bit nervous. I've never taken this consideration so seriously. I guess I'll have to post up links so this can be found, and maybe there can be some understanding. There's not much else to say. I've never really thought about actually doing something because I was just too considerate of how it would affect everybody else. But, for once I'm going to do what's right for me. It may be better for everybody else, too. I won't be around to keep fucking up, keep disappointing everybody. I'm tired of being worthless, of being a disappointment. I know its easy to say "do something about it," but I promise that it isn't that simple. There's much deeper routed hatred for myself beyond what I can write out on here.
Simply put, I have nothing to live for at the moment. I don't know what else to say. It's all pretty much stated above... Goodnight.
I keep reviewing options in my head... I don't want to just quit, but I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I thought I saw it not all that long ago, but I guess I was mistaken. This is nobody's fault but my own. I don't know why I place more value on certain things over other ones. I wish I didn't have to seek out happiness through friendship and companionship. But it's very easy to say that it's not healthy to do so when you have friends. I'm at such an odd point of my life right now. I never thought I'd be so starved for attention. I always had people around me. Now, I mostly get ignored. I've lost my touch with people, maybe. I have nothing worthwhile to offer anybody. I remember when just plain, simple company was enough.
And just to clarify, there are many more reasons that are behind this as well. One of them being that I don't think I'll ever be able to live a lifestyle to my liking based on my money situation. I was born to a modest family, and it took me awhile to accept that. All of my friends seemed to have a nicer house, or whatever. So, when I started making money, I spent it frivolously. I miss the days where I used to have a decent amount of money. I don't make close to what I grew accustomed to. I realize this can be changed over time, but right now it's bothering me. My paychecks are still not what they should be, and it would be very difficult for me to get a place on my own and pay for a car, let alone everything else. I guess in a few months this could change, but I'm pretty sure my parents want me out of the house in the next couple weeks (maybe even the end of next week). I don't have the means to make this happen, and I have no friends to speak of to help me out for a little while. I have nobody to live with so I could split rent with somebody. Basically, I have no way of getting anywhere at this current moment in time. So, rather than be homeless or something, I'd rather just, well, you know, quit.
I regret not doing certain things throughout my life. I wish I would have traveled more. I wish I would have found love and held on to it. I wish I would've finished school on time. But then again, had any of those things happened, I probably wouldn't be in this position today. I might be married by now, who knows, maybe even have a kid! That's how I envisioned myself by around this age. Instead, I'm a fucking loser. No girl, no car, no place, no friends, no life. I have just recently begun to truly resent myself, whereas before I was just a bit frustrated. Now I can't stand myself. I want to punch myself in the face.
Instead, I'll just try to figure out a more peaceful alternative. I have nowhere left to turn. I want things to be better so badly. Even for just one thing to fall into place, give me some faith that maybe it is worth the fight. But right now, from where I'm standing, it's definitely not worth it. I've been miserable for far too long.
I'm actually a bit nervous. I've never taken this consideration so seriously. I guess I'll have to post up links so this can be found, and maybe there can be some understanding. There's not much else to say. I've never really thought about actually doing something because I was just too considerate of how it would affect everybody else. But, for once I'm going to do what's right for me. It may be better for everybody else, too. I won't be around to keep fucking up, keep disappointing everybody. I'm tired of being worthless, of being a disappointment. I know its easy to say "do something about it," but I promise that it isn't that simple. There's much deeper routed hatred for myself beyond what I can write out on here.
Simply put, I have nothing to live for at the moment. I don't know what else to say. It's all pretty much stated above... Goodnight.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
another day has come and gone.
I don't know why I'm still awake. I've been piecing together my life in my mind.I've been sitting here starving for affection. I've been playing games on my phone. I've been listening to a few songs here and there. The only thing I haven't done is that I haven't found what I'm looking for. Rather, I may have found parts, but it's not quite falling into place.
I'm no stranger to this. My mind goes a bit crazy at night (hence the usual rambling complaints that so often fill this blog). I haven't been feeling as depressed over the past few days, which is a nice change. I haven't exactly had a great week, but it wasn't awful. So, as far as in this instant, I don't want to do anything like overdose, etc. My week was decent enough to keep me on this planet for at least awhile longer. I'm sure I'll end up having another episode down the line, but there's not much else I can do. My goal for the next coming week is to actually find some people to surround myself with, so I'm not left alone with my overactive brain by myself. The major goal is finding female companionship.
I know it is ridiculous that I feel this is so necessary, but I can't help but find it important. I haven't had a girlfriend, or even close to one, for at least three, or more like four, years. I really want to find somebody. I want somebody to share everything with, somebody to wake up next to, somebody to kiss goodnight, somebody to talk to about my day, somebody who loves me. I want that more than anything. Plus, I'm not getting any younger. I'm not saying that I want kids right now, but if I do want kids before I'm 30 (preferably a few years before that). That doesn't leave me much time to meet somebody, because I'm not going to start a family with somebody right off the bat. I just feel like I've wasted so much time over the past couple years. I used to be cool, I used to be considered somewhat attractive. I seem to now have the same polarity as any girl that I like, and like magnets, they instantly repel away.
Well, that's my rant for the night. Just a hopeless romantic looking for somebody to treat like a princess. I would love to cuddle with somebody right now. I want to be held and told that things will only get better. Maybe when that happens I can start to believe in that possibility. I've found somebody, but lost her, and now I have to pick myself up and put myself out there. I just hope I can find somebody half as beautiful and sweet, because that would be fine by me. I couldn't get the optimal choice, so I'll go for the 50% choice, :)
Goodnight all.
I'm no stranger to this. My mind goes a bit crazy at night (hence the usual rambling complaints that so often fill this blog). I haven't been feeling as depressed over the past few days, which is a nice change. I haven't exactly had a great week, but it wasn't awful. So, as far as in this instant, I don't want to do anything like overdose, etc. My week was decent enough to keep me on this planet for at least awhile longer. I'm sure I'll end up having another episode down the line, but there's not much else I can do. My goal for the next coming week is to actually find some people to surround myself with, so I'm not left alone with my overactive brain by myself. The major goal is finding female companionship.
I know it is ridiculous that I feel this is so necessary, but I can't help but find it important. I haven't had a girlfriend, or even close to one, for at least three, or more like four, years. I really want to find somebody. I want somebody to share everything with, somebody to wake up next to, somebody to kiss goodnight, somebody to talk to about my day, somebody who loves me. I want that more than anything. Plus, I'm not getting any younger. I'm not saying that I want kids right now, but if I do want kids before I'm 30 (preferably a few years before that). That doesn't leave me much time to meet somebody, because I'm not going to start a family with somebody right off the bat. I just feel like I've wasted so much time over the past couple years. I used to be cool, I used to be considered somewhat attractive. I seem to now have the same polarity as any girl that I like, and like magnets, they instantly repel away.
Well, that's my rant for the night. Just a hopeless romantic looking for somebody to treat like a princess. I would love to cuddle with somebody right now. I want to be held and told that things will only get better. Maybe when that happens I can start to believe in that possibility. I've found somebody, but lost her, and now I have to pick myself up and put myself out there. I just hope I can find somebody half as beautiful and sweet, because that would be fine by me. I couldn't get the optimal choice, so I'll go for the 50% choice, :)
Goodnight all.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
very long day.
Not too much to say about today. I was up at 5:15am, and I'm just getting home now. A very long 16+ hour day. It was a bit lonely, but that's not much of a change. I don't think I've ever gone so long without any non-work fun or interaction. But, I'm doing my best, and I'm keeping my head up.
All I really want right now is somebody to cuddle with. I remember in college, when I lived in the dorm, I always had one girl that would cuddle with me. I slept in so many random places back in those days. I used to appeal to women. Maybe I've lost my looks a bit, my charm perhaps. I don't know what it is. I just want some female companionship, some love.
This might be too much to ask, but I'm asking it anyway. But, I'm not complaining at the moment on here, so that's a step in the right direction. I want to share this life with somebody, and I feel like I'm running out of time... regardless of if I am or not. It just feels like it.
Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day!
All I really want right now is somebody to cuddle with. I remember in college, when I lived in the dorm, I always had one girl that would cuddle with me. I slept in so many random places back in those days. I used to appeal to women. Maybe I've lost my looks a bit, my charm perhaps. I don't know what it is. I just want some female companionship, some love.
This might be too much to ask, but I'm asking it anyway. But, I'm not complaining at the moment on here, so that's a step in the right direction. I want to share this life with somebody, and I feel like I'm running out of time... regardless of if I am or not. It just feels like it.
Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day!
It's gonna be a long one.
Or at least that's what she said. Wow, I'm oh so funny.
I have to be up in about four hours to make it to my meeting on time tomorrow in north jersey. Last time it lasted about four hours, close to four and a half. I'm aware that this will probably be the case tomorrow, but I'm hoping that it's a little bit abbreviated. Afterwards, I have to go into work. But, then I have off on Friday, which is nice. Saturday I'm supposed to go over to Sara's, get some drinks down the street at the bar, and then go back and hang with her for a bit. We'll see how that goes.
Other than that, good news on the school front. I did get one of my failing terms expunged, and now sit above a 3.0 GPA. This means that I should be able to get my scholarship back.
So, I guess at least something good happened. Nothing is really killing me right now. Honestly, I've just been really horny. Some sex would be nice. I'd prefer it to be somebody I'm more familiar with, but I'll take what I can get. I guess we'll see how this weekend unfolds. I don't really have any game left in me, unfortunately. I really need to find myself a girl. Then, everything else will seem so much easier.
But, I'm very hopeful that school can be figured out. That was a big obstacle that was overcome today. I'll probably update again tomorrow. I have to at least attempt to sleep now (though most likely I'll just end up staying awake until I leave). Wish me luck.
I have to be up in about four hours to make it to my meeting on time tomorrow in north jersey. Last time it lasted about four hours, close to four and a half. I'm aware that this will probably be the case tomorrow, but I'm hoping that it's a little bit abbreviated. Afterwards, I have to go into work. But, then I have off on Friday, which is nice. Saturday I'm supposed to go over to Sara's, get some drinks down the street at the bar, and then go back and hang with her for a bit. We'll see how that goes.
Other than that, good news on the school front. I did get one of my failing terms expunged, and now sit above a 3.0 GPA. This means that I should be able to get my scholarship back.
So, I guess at least something good happened. Nothing is really killing me right now. Honestly, I've just been really horny. Some sex would be nice. I'd prefer it to be somebody I'm more familiar with, but I'll take what I can get. I guess we'll see how this weekend unfolds. I don't really have any game left in me, unfortunately. I really need to find myself a girl. Then, everything else will seem so much easier.
But, I'm very hopeful that school can be figured out. That was a big obstacle that was overcome today. I'll probably update again tomorrow. I have to at least attempt to sleep now (though most likely I'll just end up staying awake until I leave). Wish me luck.
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