done.

Yea, so I'm just not sure that I can handle any of this anymore. I can't get anything to work out, and I know I can try harder, but I just don't see myself catching a break either way. I'm kind of scared, to be honest. But I really don't think that I can keep this up. I'm tired of being lonely all the time, I'm fed up with the position that I'm in (even though I'm aware that most of it was self induced). At one time, I had it all. I was happy. It wasn't too long ago, but long enough that it seems impossible to me now that I could have ever had it so good. Now, I'm just a loner who doesn't even really enjoy things anymore. Things that are supposed to be fun sound more like a chore nowadays. I don't want to go right to sleep after work, because it makes me feel boring, but I don't want to go do anything either. I can't win.

I keep reviewing options in my head... I don't want to just quit, but I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I thought I saw it not all that long ago, but I guess I was mistaken. This is nobody's fault but my own. I don't know why I place more value on certain things over other ones. I wish I didn't have to seek out happiness through friendship and companionship. But it's very easy to say that it's not healthy to do so when you have friends. I'm at such an odd point of my life right now. I never thought I'd be so starved for attention. I always had people around me. Now, I mostly get ignored. I've lost my touch with people, maybe. I have nothing worthwhile to offer anybody. I remember when just plain, simple company was enough.

And just to clarify, there are many more reasons that are behind this as well. One of them being that I don't think I'll ever be able to live a lifestyle to my liking based on my money situation. I was born to a modest family, and it took me awhile to accept that. All of my friends seemed to have a nicer house, or whatever. So, when I started making money, I spent it frivolously. I miss the days where I used to have a decent amount of money. I don't make close to what I grew accustomed to. I realize this can be changed over time, but right now it's bothering me. My paychecks are still not what they should be, and it would be very difficult for me to get a place on my own and pay for a car, let alone everything else. I guess in a few months this could change, but I'm pretty sure my parents want me out of the house in the next couple weeks (maybe even the end of next week). I don't have the means to make this happen, and I have no friends to speak of to help me out for a little while. I have nobody to live with so I could split rent with somebody. Basically, I have no way of getting anywhere at this current moment in time. So, rather than be homeless or something, I'd rather just, well, you know, quit.

I regret not doing certain things throughout my life. I wish I would have traveled more. I wish I would have found love and held on to it. I wish I would've finished school on time. But then again, had any of those things happened, I probably wouldn't be in this position today. I might be married by now, who knows, maybe even have a kid! That's how I envisioned myself by around this age. Instead, I'm a fucking loser. No girl, no car, no place, no friends, no life. I have just recently begun to truly resent myself, whereas before I was just a bit frustrated. Now I can't stand myself. I want to punch myself in the face.

Instead, I'll just try to figure out a more peaceful alternative. I have nowhere left to turn. I want things to be better so badly. Even for just one thing to fall into place, give me some faith that maybe it is worth the fight. But right now, from where I'm standing, it's definitely not worth it. I've been miserable for far too long.

I'm actually a bit nervous. I've never taken this consideration so seriously. I guess I'll have to post up links so this can be found, and maybe there can be some understanding. There's not much else to say. I've never really thought about actually doing something because I was just too considerate of how it would affect everybody else. But, for once I'm going to do what's right for me. It may be better for everybody else, too. I won't be around to keep fucking up, keep disappointing everybody. I'm tired of being worthless, of being a disappointment. I know its easy to say "do something about it," but I promise that it isn't that simple. There's much deeper routed hatred for myself beyond what I can write out on here.

Simply put, I have nothing to live for at the moment. I don't know what else to say. It's all pretty much stated above... Goodnight.