So I got started on Lexapro earlier this week. I think it's already helping. I don't dwell so much on the fact that I've lost Ann. I mean, when I think about it, it still sucks, but if she doesn't want me, I can't do anything about it. I even find myself not even thinking about texting her, which is good. Usually I'm fighting the urge all day. I just wish we could have a friends with benefits deal or something, I just want to touch her again. Nobody gets me going like she does. But oh well, I guess I'll just have to find love elsewhere.
So yea, days have been a little bit better. I seem to be in a somewhat better mood overall. I hope the weather finally turning around will help, too. I started a second job at the Gold Buyers at the Mall stand in Granite Run. It's nice to have something to do on my days off. Ben told me he'd give me any extra hours I want, but I don't want a 12 hour shift on my day off. It's nice to go in to the Gold Buyers place and work a short shift, and then have the rest of the day off. This coming week, I only have off Tuesday and Thursday (though I usually only work four days at ECP), so I only have the two days off. I will work at the gold place on those two days for four hours each. Imagine if I had to work a 12 hour shift one of those days. That just sounds awful. Five full days is enough as it is. Oh well, gotta make some extra money!
I think that with this second job, I'm really starting to do something for myself. I'm not just settling for what I had. I'm taking that extra step to do more and get more in return. I'm also doing online surveys and stuff, and I almost have enough amassed to pay for the Kindle that I want to get so desperately.
I was supposed to go see Lindsay tonight, and I was on my way when she called back to cancel, because her boyfriend/ex/whatever was coming over and he's crazy. Why do I only get attention from girls who have somebody else instead. I guess I'm like the second place guy, the next best thing. Whatever, I'll find somebody who loves me. I hope it's sooner rather than later, but whatever. I can wait, I just really want to find somebody to play around with. I'm sexually frustrated, to say the least.
Looks like I got Amy the job at ECP, so that's good. She'll probably start either late this coming week or the next. Can't wait to get paid on Thursday night. It can't come soon enough.
Okay, this was basically a pointless update, but it's 4AM easter morning and I'm still awake. I'm going to attempt to get a couple hours of sleep now, because I may actually go to church with my mother and sister in the morning.
Have a nice holiday anybody (even though I think religion is silly)!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Decent Day!
It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on fried-eggs.
Anyway, I had a ridiculously busy day at work. I didn't even leave the kiosk until 10:15ish. By the end of the day, I ended up selling 10 phones on an upgrade, and 4 new activations. To be honest, the first two months I was in sales I was lucky to do half of that in a week. On Monday I did 4.5 phones (I think 3 new and 3 upgrades, which count as 0.5), Tuesday I didn't do anything because I didn't feel so great, Wednesday I did 1 (2 upgrades), and then today, 9 (the 10 ups and 4 news). That makes for a pretty killer week, and I still have all day tomorrow! I plan on being extra awesome tomorrow as well. I'm glad that I'm finally getting in the groove.
I did meet a nice girl today. Only problem, she's eighteen. However, at this point, I'm completely shit out of luck with the girl that I want to spend my life with, so I guess I'll just take whatever comes around. This isn't to say she's just something that comes around, but I just know that I won't have the same feelings as I do for my dream girl. I'll just do my thing, and hope that she comes around, even though that's most likely never going to happen. I am starved for love and attention, so maybe this Kate girl will be a good thing for me. She works in the mall, so that's nice. And it looks like I might be working more at Granite Run. If this would have happened a month ago, I would have been worried. But, I actually seem to do better at Granite Run. I think it's because there isn't the temptation to just sit behind the desks all day. So, I'm content!
As for everything else, I don't know. Yesterday was a nice day off. I hung out with Amy and Webster. We all played tennis, and then went through a trail in the woods. It was a great adventure, considering how beautiful it was outside. I plan on doing more stuff like that in the near future, especially tennis. I really hope that a certain somebody actually does play with me, like she says she will. That would be awesome, because she's actually really good, and it would give me somebody to really play. I always have my sister, too, but I desperately want to see this other certain somebody, under any and all circumstances.
It's been a decent past three days, actually. Wednesday alone at King of Prussia was really awesome. I just basically hit on every girl that walked by. I also got to play the Nintendo 3DS, which was nothing short of absolutely amazing. Seriously, go to the King of Prussia mall, by the Starbucks, and TRY THAT SHIT! It's incredible. Then yesterday's adventure was a nice way to get out of the house, and then my ridiculous day of selling phones today. Hopefully tomorrow can continue the streak. This is the longest I've gone without actually wanting to give it all up. It's a good thing, that's for sure.
As for now, I'm going to try my best to get some rest. I should be able to sleep like a baby, considering I was up at 6:30 this morning. But, strangely enough, I'm not tired. I was as soon as I got home, when I was watching TV in the living room. But now that I'm upstairs, laying in my bed, typing all of this, I'm not sleepy in the slightest bit. Hopefully that will change once the laptop closes, my eyes close, and the darkness begins to assist in the production of melatonin.
Goodnight, crazy people!
Anyway, I had a ridiculously busy day at work. I didn't even leave the kiosk until 10:15ish. By the end of the day, I ended up selling 10 phones on an upgrade, and 4 new activations. To be honest, the first two months I was in sales I was lucky to do half of that in a week. On Monday I did 4.5 phones (I think 3 new and 3 upgrades, which count as 0.5), Tuesday I didn't do anything because I didn't feel so great, Wednesday I did 1 (2 upgrades), and then today, 9 (the 10 ups and 4 news). That makes for a pretty killer week, and I still have all day tomorrow! I plan on being extra awesome tomorrow as well. I'm glad that I'm finally getting in the groove.
I did meet a nice girl today. Only problem, she's eighteen. However, at this point, I'm completely shit out of luck with the girl that I want to spend my life with, so I guess I'll just take whatever comes around. This isn't to say she's just something that comes around, but I just know that I won't have the same feelings as I do for my dream girl. I'll just do my thing, and hope that she comes around, even though that's most likely never going to happen. I am starved for love and attention, so maybe this Kate girl will be a good thing for me. She works in the mall, so that's nice. And it looks like I might be working more at Granite Run. If this would have happened a month ago, I would have been worried. But, I actually seem to do better at Granite Run. I think it's because there isn't the temptation to just sit behind the desks all day. So, I'm content!
As for everything else, I don't know. Yesterday was a nice day off. I hung out with Amy and Webster. We all played tennis, and then went through a trail in the woods. It was a great adventure, considering how beautiful it was outside. I plan on doing more stuff like that in the near future, especially tennis. I really hope that a certain somebody actually does play with me, like she says she will. That would be awesome, because she's actually really good, and it would give me somebody to really play. I always have my sister, too, but I desperately want to see this other certain somebody, under any and all circumstances.
It's been a decent past three days, actually. Wednesday alone at King of Prussia was really awesome. I just basically hit on every girl that walked by. I also got to play the Nintendo 3DS, which was nothing short of absolutely amazing. Seriously, go to the King of Prussia mall, by the Starbucks, and TRY THAT SHIT! It's incredible. Then yesterday's adventure was a nice way to get out of the house, and then my ridiculous day of selling phones today. Hopefully tomorrow can continue the streak. This is the longest I've gone without actually wanting to give it all up. It's a good thing, that's for sure.
As for now, I'm going to try my best to get some rest. I should be able to sleep like a baby, considering I was up at 6:30 this morning. But, strangely enough, I'm not tired. I was as soon as I got home, when I was watching TV in the living room. But now that I'm upstairs, laying in my bed, typing all of this, I'm not sleepy in the slightest bit. Hopefully that will change once the laptop closes, my eyes close, and the darkness begins to assist in the production of melatonin.
Goodnight, crazy people!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
awful day.
not a single positive thing today. i don't know how much longer i can hold up this hope that things can be any better. i'm always going to be alone, and i'm not going to be happy being alone. if i could fix either one of those things, i might be alright.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Crazy Dreams.
Yes, these past few hours have been filled with some very crazy, and sometimes scary, dreams. The first one that I recall involves me during much happier times, with the girl of my dreams. I woke up, and sent her a text without really thinking much about it. I pleaded my case that I love her more, and that I'm not abandoning her. This might have been in poor taste, but I woke up and I was emotionally charged, and now what's done is done. Hopefully I don't have to deal with too much backlash regarding the text.
The next one, I was over at Joey's house when some shadow government decided to raid the house to get people out of it (I'm not sure who the people were and why they were in Joey's house, but you know how dreams go). A futuristic helicopter came and swooped in to conduct the sweep, and I ran back to my house. I was getting shot at, but made it in the house. Then, I saw the helicopter flying away. I thought I might be safe, but then it began to turn around. I told my sister to close all of the blinds in the house. I then took a gander out the window to see even more aircrafts (one that don't exist, to my knowledge) closing in on my house. One of them deployed some sort of gas to knock everybody out. At this point, I actually realized that I was dreaming, and was able to wake myself up. It was very startling.
I'm going through this quickly as I have to go to work soon... so... Anyways, the third dream was one in which I couldn't locate my motorcycle that I had just purchased. There was more to it, but that was the gist of things. So, I woke up, and thought that I actually did have a bike and wondered where it was in my house. I quickly gripped reality, but that got me thinking. I think I'm going to find myself a motorcycle. It would be perfect for getting to and from work, and much cheaper than a car, both in price and on gas. This would obviously be temporary, but I think it's a great solution for now. As it is, I have to catch a bus in about 45 minutes. I don't really want to have to catch the bus anymore, and I think a motorbike would be the most readily available solution.
Well, that's all I really have for this morning. I got a text last night, and I guess I'm working at Granite Run today. I'm hoping one of my customers comes back to start that family plan, and I can buy his old phone off of him. I need a better phone to use until our new ones come out, and then I will buy one of those.
Hope everybody has a nice day. I don't know if I will, but I'm going to try. My objective for the day is to chat up some females, maybe get a date somehow. Wish me luck!
The next one, I was over at Joey's house when some shadow government decided to raid the house to get people out of it (I'm not sure who the people were and why they were in Joey's house, but you know how dreams go). A futuristic helicopter came and swooped in to conduct the sweep, and I ran back to my house. I was getting shot at, but made it in the house. Then, I saw the helicopter flying away. I thought I might be safe, but then it began to turn around. I told my sister to close all of the blinds in the house. I then took a gander out the window to see even more aircrafts (one that don't exist, to my knowledge) closing in on my house. One of them deployed some sort of gas to knock everybody out. At this point, I actually realized that I was dreaming, and was able to wake myself up. It was very startling.
I'm going through this quickly as I have to go to work soon... so... Anyways, the third dream was one in which I couldn't locate my motorcycle that I had just purchased. There was more to it, but that was the gist of things. So, I woke up, and thought that I actually did have a bike and wondered where it was in my house. I quickly gripped reality, but that got me thinking. I think I'm going to find myself a motorcycle. It would be perfect for getting to and from work, and much cheaper than a car, both in price and on gas. This would obviously be temporary, but I think it's a great solution for now. As it is, I have to catch a bus in about 45 minutes. I don't really want to have to catch the bus anymore, and I think a motorbike would be the most readily available solution.
Well, that's all I really have for this morning. I got a text last night, and I guess I'm working at Granite Run today. I'm hoping one of my customers comes back to start that family plan, and I can buy his old phone off of him. I need a better phone to use until our new ones come out, and then I will buy one of those.
Hope everybody has a nice day. I don't know if I will, but I'm going to try. My objective for the day is to chat up some females, maybe get a date somehow. Wish me luck!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Each Day is a New Day.
This is what I have to keep telling myself, that each day is indeed a brand new day. I've always been rather fond of the Late Late Show theme song, in which Craig Ferguson declares, "Tomorrow's just your future yesterday." The statement is entirely true, but it's so hard to comprehend when you are in the moment, and fearing what comes next.
I've been in a pretty decent mood lately. Only later in the day today did I really start to feel a little sad. It really started to sink in when the girl of my dreams told me that she was lonely. The fact that I am not somebody that can alleviate her loneliness just made me feel somewhat worthless. But, this is a feeling I'm very much acclimated to, so I'm trying to just brush it off somehow. Other than that, not much else is going on.
People seem to like my hair cut. The only reason I bring this up is because I was able to retrieve my sweatshirt that I left at the haircut place in the mall over a week ago. I'm very happy that it was still there, as it is my favorite hoodie. I was also able to sell a phone towards the end of the night, and have my customers most likely coming back to me on Saturday in order to add another line. So, not everything is all that bad.
Also, I just got a text from Ragen. We may be hanging out tomorrow night. I'm not sure what that will entail, but it doesn't much matter to me. My new mission is to make sweet love with any girl that will have me. I need to feel, I need to be touched, I need to connect with somebody. I've been so alienated for months, no real contact from anybody. I haven't even kissed somebody in awhile, and it's ridiculous. People are too conservative in the ways of love, I believe. I think that sex is beautiful, and I think people are just a bit too stuffy in this country. Maybe I should've been European and had casual sex all day with everybody, because that's all they do over there (lol).
I would go on a bit, but I think I'm just going to try to sleep. This is the third or fourth night in a row that I texted my (or somebody else's, actually) fair lady and asked if I could call her to say goodnight. This is always greeted with no response. Maybe I should start taking the hint. The problem is, I know that I need her, but I also feel like she could use me. Not that she needs me, but I think that together things could be much brighter in the future. My hope is fading fast, though, so I have to scour the rest of the world for a mate.
Hopefully some fun stuff will be happening soon. I'm trying to get a few people together, including Julie and Joey, to go to Roseland Ballroom on May 20th to see Armin van Buuren. That will be a nice treat. I haven't seen him play his own show in years, and it would be quite a tribute to this new journey that I'm embarking on.
Well, more in the morning most likely, as I have off, and have nothing better to do. Good night.
I've been in a pretty decent mood lately. Only later in the day today did I really start to feel a little sad. It really started to sink in when the girl of my dreams told me that she was lonely. The fact that I am not somebody that can alleviate her loneliness just made me feel somewhat worthless. But, this is a feeling I'm very much acclimated to, so I'm trying to just brush it off somehow. Other than that, not much else is going on.
People seem to like my hair cut. The only reason I bring this up is because I was able to retrieve my sweatshirt that I left at the haircut place in the mall over a week ago. I'm very happy that it was still there, as it is my favorite hoodie. I was also able to sell a phone towards the end of the night, and have my customers most likely coming back to me on Saturday in order to add another line. So, not everything is all that bad.
Also, I just got a text from Ragen. We may be hanging out tomorrow night. I'm not sure what that will entail, but it doesn't much matter to me. My new mission is to make sweet love with any girl that will have me. I need to feel, I need to be touched, I need to connect with somebody. I've been so alienated for months, no real contact from anybody. I haven't even kissed somebody in awhile, and it's ridiculous. People are too conservative in the ways of love, I believe. I think that sex is beautiful, and I think people are just a bit too stuffy in this country. Maybe I should've been European and had casual sex all day with everybody, because that's all they do over there (lol).
I would go on a bit, but I think I'm just going to try to sleep. This is the third or fourth night in a row that I texted my (or somebody else's, actually) fair lady and asked if I could call her to say goodnight. This is always greeted with no response. Maybe I should start taking the hint. The problem is, I know that I need her, but I also feel like she could use me. Not that she needs me, but I think that together things could be much brighter in the future. My hope is fading fast, though, so I have to scour the rest of the world for a mate.
Hopefully some fun stuff will be happening soon. I'm trying to get a few people together, including Julie and Joey, to go to Roseland Ballroom on May 20th to see Armin van Buuren. That will be a nice treat. I haven't seen him play his own show in years, and it would be quite a tribute to this new journey that I'm embarking on.
Well, more in the morning most likely, as I have off, and have nothing better to do. Good night.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Finally, in a decent mood!
So, this is most likely a passing thing, but I'm in a surprisingly good mood this evening. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm not complaining, that's for sure.
I tried texting the woman that makes me smile, but she doesn't seem too interested in talking to me this evening. I do understand this, though. I'm nothing but a pain in her ass as of late. I'm just the guy that won't let go, regardless of if she is with somebody else. But my issue with this is that he is not right for her anymore. I'm not arguing that he is undeserving, or making any judgement on his character, but he is leaving her soon. He is moving away for something "more", to my understanding. I fail to see how this is romantic, and any person who would leave such a beautiful person is a bit crazy in my eyes. I would give the world to hold her hand every day, and would never dream of leaving her side. I suppose this is why I'm so upset about the situation. This guy gets picked over me, and he's leaving her. What does that say about me? Not much, but oh well, I'm staying positive tonight.
That's not the only thing that's on my mind. I'm looking forward to this week. I'm going to work tomorrow, and then have off the following two days. During these two days, I have a few things to get accomplished. I'm going to go to Drexel and try to finally figure out my scholarship situation. I'm very excited about this. I hope I can get back into school come June, not only to finally finish, but also to hopefully meet some cool people, and maybe actually meet a girl who wants to spend some time with me. All I want is companionship, I'm not asking for much. But, my desire has not been fulfilled, so I need to do something about it. If you can't be with the one that you love, you have to love the one you're with (the one I'm trying to find).
I got a text from Dave and Gina tonight. It's nice to know that some people actually think about me from time to time. I am excited to start doing things like a normal person again. It will definitely be a nice change of pace from being a solo substance abuser. That gets entirely too boring. The only positive of the latter is that I don't have to feel anything. No negative thoughts, just blankness, which is nice when your real life is only filled with pain. So, I'm trying to fill my life with some more positive things, trying to live each day as if it were my last, because who knows what's going to happen. One false move, and it might be my last. I'm holding on as best I can, though.
Yesterday, I thought that maybe life wasn't really worth carrying on with. I felt alone. I still do feel alone, but tonight it's not bothering me quite as much. At this moment, I'm semi-content with myself, which is a whole new feeling for me. I just really would like to work things out with the one person who makes me feel alive. I'm doing my best to not let that dictate my life, and in this moment right now, it's not. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but I'm not trying to worry about that right now. I'm living for today, day by day, minute by minute. That's the only way to do things. If I start thinking about the future, and how most likely it will be with her absence from my life, then I won't want to carry on. So, right now, I'm thinking about right now. That's all I can do, so that's all I will do.
I've been listening to some good music lately, and it feels wonderful to actually enjoy listening to music again. For awhile, I didn't even open up my iTunes on my laptop, because I had such a ridiculous loss of interest. I'm slowly starting to get some of that back, and I'm hoping to dive into some new books to keep my mind entertained as well.
Isn't this lovely? Finally a post where I'm not whining. I'm not going to say that this will become common, but I sure hope that it does. With any luck, maybe it can be forever. If I can make one certain thing happen, I'm sure that it will be forever. But, since I can't make her love me, I have to look for other things to keep me upbeat. Therefore, I ask you to wish me luck, and get in touch with me if you'd like to fill my frequently vacant life. Get at me on Facebook or shoot me an e-mail to sonsalla@gmail.com. I would love some new people in my life to keep me positive and occupied.
I wish everybody a nice week, and I'll try to keep posting, and with any luck, post more positive things. I'm sure I'll break down again every once in awhile, but I'll try my damnedest to maintain some sort of happiness. And wish me luck with the lady of my dreams. If that ever happens, I know that my life will be beautiful forever. If not, then it's going to take a hell of a lot more work on my end, which I don't mind, I just get frustrated knowing how close I am. Good night, people!
I tried texting the woman that makes me smile, but she doesn't seem too interested in talking to me this evening. I do understand this, though. I'm nothing but a pain in her ass as of late. I'm just the guy that won't let go, regardless of if she is with somebody else. But my issue with this is that he is not right for her anymore. I'm not arguing that he is undeserving, or making any judgement on his character, but he is leaving her soon. He is moving away for something "more", to my understanding. I fail to see how this is romantic, and any person who would leave such a beautiful person is a bit crazy in my eyes. I would give the world to hold her hand every day, and would never dream of leaving her side. I suppose this is why I'm so upset about the situation. This guy gets picked over me, and he's leaving her. What does that say about me? Not much, but oh well, I'm staying positive tonight.
That's not the only thing that's on my mind. I'm looking forward to this week. I'm going to work tomorrow, and then have off the following two days. During these two days, I have a few things to get accomplished. I'm going to go to Drexel and try to finally figure out my scholarship situation. I'm very excited about this. I hope I can get back into school come June, not only to finally finish, but also to hopefully meet some cool people, and maybe actually meet a girl who wants to spend some time with me. All I want is companionship, I'm not asking for much. But, my desire has not been fulfilled, so I need to do something about it. If you can't be with the one that you love, you have to love the one you're with (the one I'm trying to find).
I got a text from Dave and Gina tonight. It's nice to know that some people actually think about me from time to time. I am excited to start doing things like a normal person again. It will definitely be a nice change of pace from being a solo substance abuser. That gets entirely too boring. The only positive of the latter is that I don't have to feel anything. No negative thoughts, just blankness, which is nice when your real life is only filled with pain. So, I'm trying to fill my life with some more positive things, trying to live each day as if it were my last, because who knows what's going to happen. One false move, and it might be my last. I'm holding on as best I can, though.
Yesterday, I thought that maybe life wasn't really worth carrying on with. I felt alone. I still do feel alone, but tonight it's not bothering me quite as much. At this moment, I'm semi-content with myself, which is a whole new feeling for me. I just really would like to work things out with the one person who makes me feel alive. I'm doing my best to not let that dictate my life, and in this moment right now, it's not. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but I'm not trying to worry about that right now. I'm living for today, day by day, minute by minute. That's the only way to do things. If I start thinking about the future, and how most likely it will be with her absence from my life, then I won't want to carry on. So, right now, I'm thinking about right now. That's all I can do, so that's all I will do.
I've been listening to some good music lately, and it feels wonderful to actually enjoy listening to music again. For awhile, I didn't even open up my iTunes on my laptop, because I had such a ridiculous loss of interest. I'm slowly starting to get some of that back, and I'm hoping to dive into some new books to keep my mind entertained as well.
Isn't this lovely? Finally a post where I'm not whining. I'm not going to say that this will become common, but I sure hope that it does. With any luck, maybe it can be forever. If I can make one certain thing happen, I'm sure that it will be forever. But, since I can't make her love me, I have to look for other things to keep me upbeat. Therefore, I ask you to wish me luck, and get in touch with me if you'd like to fill my frequently vacant life. Get at me on Facebook or shoot me an e-mail to sonsalla@gmail.com. I would love some new people in my life to keep me positive and occupied.
I wish everybody a nice week, and I'll try to keep posting, and with any luck, post more positive things. I'm sure I'll break down again every once in awhile, but I'll try my damnedest to maintain some sort of happiness. And wish me luck with the lady of my dreams. If that ever happens, I know that my life will be beautiful forever. If not, then it's going to take a hell of a lot more work on my end, which I don't mind, I just get frustrated knowing how close I am. Good night, people!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
it's been awhile, eh?
Okay... so I've been writing elsewhere than on this cursed blog. You can see what I've been writing at http://bit.ly/fXJH2s. However, I don't believe that I reach any audience whatsoever on that one blog of mine, so I think I'm actually going to start using this one again. This time around things will be a bit different. I was very touched to hear from some people who were worried about me when this page began to look a little dark. I received messages from people I didn't even know, offering me advice and pleading that I don't do anything stupid, and stick around for awhile. Well, I'm still here, so maybe all of that helped, regardless of the fact that I didn't seem to appreciate such actions at the time.
This leads me to today. Since all of that, I have gotten some much needed help. I'm now trying my best to deal with life on life's terms. I've had nothing but trouble with attempting this in the past. My only way to cope with things was through self medication, which led me right into self loathing. I felt sick all of the time, and began to believe that I would be much happier if I didn't have to keep living day by day. I also thought it would be better for others if I were to cease to exist, and that I wouldn't cause the same kind of harm in death as I do in life.
Eventually, I'm really going to have to analyze everything about myself. I need to take a personal inventory, I need to make amends, I need to set right all of the wrongs that I have committed. I need to figure out where I came from, where I'm at now, and where I'm going to go in the future. This is all coming around, but for now, I'm just trying to make it through each day as it presents itself. I can no longer dwell on the past, and try to reason that I am this way due to something that happened long ago. I'm not trying to argue any points anymore. All that I want to do right now is live in the moment, which also involves trying not to be overly nervous about what the future holds. I can make plans, but I don't want to get lost in my own head, wondering how everything will work out.
I am a bit tired, so I apologize if this is just rambling, but I just wanted to get some stuff off of my chest.
I'm still lonely. I haven't quite built up the support base that I feel would be extremely beneficial to me. I did go out to a meeting with Amy tonight, and I think it was a good thing for both of us. I hope that soon I will have some more friends, and won't have to feel like I'm taking on this huge task all by myself.
Honestly, I believed that things would get better right away if I were to make positive changes to my life. A few things have started looking up, but not the way I envisioned it. On a good note, it looks like I will be able to get a car soon. And from there, I can try to get a second job, make some more money, and hopefully move into my own place in the near future. I'm excited, as I haven't been able to drive a car for over two years. It will be nice to have a mode of transportation, not only for convenience, but also to help me stay busy rather than sit at home. I can be a bit more social, visit friends, go out, and I'm looking forward to it.
I am waiting to see what's going to happen with a new female acquaintance. It looks like there might be something there. I don't know if this would be a good decision to pursue her or not, but I think I will anyways. She likes me for me, as she got to see what I was like when I wasn't clouded with deep depression or drugs or anything. I am still in love with somebody else, but by now I'm coming to terms with the fact that she doesn't love me back. Inside, it takes every last drop of any and everything that I'm made up of just to keep on keeping my faith.
This leads me to today. Since all of that, I have gotten some much needed help. I'm now trying my best to deal with life on life's terms. I've had nothing but trouble with attempting this in the past. My only way to cope with things was through self medication, which led me right into self loathing. I felt sick all of the time, and began to believe that I would be much happier if I didn't have to keep living day by day. I also thought it would be better for others if I were to cease to exist, and that I wouldn't cause the same kind of harm in death as I do in life.
Eventually, I'm really going to have to analyze everything about myself. I need to take a personal inventory, I need to make amends, I need to set right all of the wrongs that I have committed. I need to figure out where I came from, where I'm at now, and where I'm going to go in the future. This is all coming around, but for now, I'm just trying to make it through each day as it presents itself. I can no longer dwell on the past, and try to reason that I am this way due to something that happened long ago. I'm not trying to argue any points anymore. All that I want to do right now is live in the moment, which also involves trying not to be overly nervous about what the future holds. I can make plans, but I don't want to get lost in my own head, wondering how everything will work out.
I am a bit tired, so I apologize if this is just rambling, but I just wanted to get some stuff off of my chest.
I'm still lonely. I haven't quite built up the support base that I feel would be extremely beneficial to me. I did go out to a meeting with Amy tonight, and I think it was a good thing for both of us. I hope that soon I will have some more friends, and won't have to feel like I'm taking on this huge task all by myself.
Honestly, I believed that things would get better right away if I were to make positive changes to my life. A few things have started looking up, but not the way I envisioned it. On a good note, it looks like I will be able to get a car soon. And from there, I can try to get a second job, make some more money, and hopefully move into my own place in the near future. I'm excited, as I haven't been able to drive a car for over two years. It will be nice to have a mode of transportation, not only for convenience, but also to help me stay busy rather than sit at home. I can be a bit more social, visit friends, go out, and I'm looking forward to it.
I am waiting to see what's going to happen with a new female acquaintance. It looks like there might be something there. I don't know if this would be a good decision to pursue her or not, but I think I will anyways. She likes me for me, as she got to see what I was like when I wasn't clouded with deep depression or drugs or anything. I am still in love with somebody else, but by now I'm coming to terms with the fact that she doesn't love me back. Inside, it takes every last drop of any and everything that I'm made up of just to keep on keeping my faith.
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