it's been awhile, eh?

Okay... so I've been writing elsewhere than on this cursed blog. You can see what I've been writing at http://bit.ly/fXJH2s. However, I don't believe that I reach any audience whatsoever on that one blog of mine, so I think I'm actually going to start using this one again. This time around things will be a bit different. I was very touched to hear from some people who were worried about me when this page began to look a little dark. I received messages from people I didn't even know, offering me advice and pleading that I don't do anything stupid, and stick around for awhile. Well, I'm still here, so maybe all of that helped, regardless of the fact that I didn't seem to appreciate such actions at the time.

This leads me to today. Since all of that, I have gotten some much needed help. I'm now trying my best to deal with life on life's terms. I've had nothing but trouble with attempting this in the past. My only way to cope with things was through self medication, which led me right into self loathing. I felt sick all of the time, and began to believe that I would be much happier if I didn't have to keep living day by day. I also thought it would be better for others if I were to cease to exist, and that I wouldn't cause the same kind of harm in death as I do in life.

Eventually, I'm really going to have to analyze everything about myself. I need to take a personal inventory, I need to make amends, I need to set right all of the wrongs that I have committed. I need to figure out where I came from, where I'm at now, and where I'm going to go in the future. This is all coming around, but for now, I'm just trying to make it through each day as it presents itself. I can no longer dwell on the past, and try to reason that I am this way due to something that happened long ago. I'm not trying to argue any points anymore. All that I want to do right now is live in the moment, which also involves trying not to be overly nervous about what the future holds. I can make plans, but I don't want to get lost in my own head, wondering how everything will work out.

I am a bit tired, so I apologize if this is just rambling, but I just wanted to get some stuff off of my chest.

I'm still lonely. I haven't quite built up the support base that I feel would be extremely beneficial to me. I did go out to a meeting with Amy tonight, and I think it was a good thing for both of us. I hope that soon I will have some more friends, and won't have to feel like I'm taking on this huge task all by myself.

Honestly, I believed that things would get better right away if I were to make positive changes to my life. A few things have started looking up, but not the way I envisioned it. On a good note, it looks like I will be able to get a car soon. And from there, I can try to get a second job, make some more money, and hopefully move into my own place in the near future. I'm excited, as I haven't been able to drive a car for over two years. It will be nice to have a mode of transportation, not only for convenience, but also to help me stay busy rather than sit at home. I can be a bit more social, visit friends, go out, and I'm looking forward to it.

I am waiting to see what's going to happen with a new female acquaintance. It looks like there might be something there. I don't know if this would be a good decision to pursue her or not, but I think I will anyways. She likes me for me, as she got to see what I was like when I wasn't clouded with deep depression or drugs or anything. I am still in love with somebody else, but by now I'm coming to terms with the fact that she doesn't love me back. Inside, it takes every last drop of any and everything that I'm made up of just to keep on keeping my faith.